Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A little bit of Ani tonight.

Today I received the pictures from my session with James. I got them while I was sitting down to some greasy calamari and fries. I avoid pictures at all costs. And the truth is, Sophia and I have very few of us together because of that. I know that's not healthy. So that's why I had these done.

And then on our way home tonight I heard this song.

This isn't about me. It's about my girl. I'm working on it.

Lately I've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
You'd think at my age I'd thought of something better to do
Than making insecurity into a full time job
Making insecurity into an art

And I fear my life will be over
And I will have never lived in unfettered
Always glaring into mirrors
Mad, I don't look better

But now here is this tiny baby
And they say she looks just like me
And she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
Yes, and I would defend to the ends of the earth
Her perfect right to be, be, be, be

So I'm beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says don't forget to have a good time
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace

Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face
Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face

Ani wrote this at 36 (not too much younger than me right now) after having her baby.  Tonight, it finally meant something to me.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I'd like a relationship please. Not just a boyfriend so I can throw that word into my vocabulary or someone to possess, but a real honest to goodness someone I can share life with. It's been a long time since I've called anyone that.

I think I'm ready. At least I'm pretty sure I am. My last "boyfriend" and I ended things a year ago now. And I use quotations because we never referred to each other as such. But is that really necessary? My boyfriend this, my boyfriend that... He has a name, right? A relationship isn't a status, nor do we own anyone. I only speak from experience. So yes. A year. It takes time to recover from things. I'll never understand people who go from relationship to relationship without taking time off in between to know yourself outside that of sharing your life with someone. Although, I did commit that very act a few short years ago. I'm not exempt from making mistakes, after all, it's the scars that teach us. It didn't end well. Relationships shouldn't save or redeem anyone. Redemption and salvation should be found before coming together with someone else. Again, another hard lesson learned. I'm thankful that time has happened.

So here I am: being me, honoring me and opening myself up to the good things that are to come my way.

At this point I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find it in my work environment. I'm open to it, but if I'm serving you as you binge drink, we won't be becoming an item anytime soon. Winks, poems, marriage proposals... it ain't gonna happen. So in my attempt to be proactive in this endeavor, I've joined I did OKCupid which is free, but free is slim pickens. Sliiiiim pickens I tell you... or booty calls, which is NOT what I want at all. It's been about two weeks now and already I'm chatting with a couple of people. It used to be I would meet someone, "smitten" would happen and boom! In a relationship. Again, I'm currently single, proving that hasn't worked out so well for me. So the Internet it is! I've been on a few dates, or interviews as my friend Eric calls them. Smitten hasn't happened, but second dates are on their way, so I'll get back to you on that one.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Yeah whatever. I'm not positive all the time and this post will most likely prove it.

As I was engaging in my morning Facebook scroll I came across this meme. Some days I respond with a 'yes!' or a 'right on!' Kind of like an 'amen!' if you grew up in church. However this morning, as to not discourage my positive friend, I think I'll just comment here with a 'meh'. Yes, 'meh'.

This morning I'm not really sure if I believe that bullshit. I woke up spread across the diagonal of my huge bed. You see, I can do this because for quite some years now I only share my bed with my two cats. And then occasionally the Gangly One finds her way across the hall for a cuddle. I can pretty much sleep anyway that I want because there isn't anyone else to to consider. Nobody calls me a blanket or a pillow hog and I can fall asleep to the TV blaring if I damn well please. Still, one day it would be nice to be waking up next to someone.

Which brings me back to this meme. I'm not looking, I swear! Well maybe just a little, but that OKCupid profile is coming down. Encouraged by my friends who met their soul mates online I gave it an honest shot. Nope. I met Dud, Weirdo, and Cray Cray. I barely have time to date as I work those prime date hours and when I'm not working, I'm being a Mom. Who wants in on that action? (Crickets chirping). The thing is, that's who I want: someone who wants in on that action.

How is it that there are couples who seem just to fall into this? I see it all the time. There are some ugly people (and not only in the physical sense) who have someone madly in love with them who overlook some serious stuff. And contrary to what Oprah stated in my previous post: it's working out FINE for them. Love really IS blind.

But still, that's not what I want. So is that why I'm still single? Because I won't overlook those red flags anymore?

I've experienced love. But I've also experienced some serious heartache. It's left me with wisdom that I'm truly thankful for. Hell no, I won't be making the same mistake twice. But here I am. 38 years old and sleeping single in a California king sized bed.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

So I thought I might have originally heard this on Oprah years ago, but I did my fact checking so I could write my backstory on my connection to this piece.  This is what I learned:  don't go believing everything you hear on the internet.  However, come to think of it, she could of just stated this in bits and pieces.  Anyway, here:

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then, heck no, you can't be "just friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or is in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more, nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending, compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships, there is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you, a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals, look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. Dating is fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes, when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with other women and men (just so they know). You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware." -Oprah

In my early 20s, I was nodding my head in full agreement with these statements.  Now, well into my 30s, I'm still nodding but only now from experience.  Oy.  Hard lessons learned, but hey, they've been learned.

Monday, December 31, 2012

My girl, being the little genius she is, is watching Jeopardy right now therefore leaving me time to write this little diddy.

Tonight, as opposed to the last 9 or 10 years, will be a quiet one.  Providing I don't have more than one glass of Zinfandel, I just might stay up until midnight.  This year my day shift landed on New Year's Eve so I find myself at home with my girl instead of being surrounded by a bunch of grown ups tearing it up Tower style.

Rather than resolutions, I have goals for myself this year.  Tangible ones, attainable, and listed privately... for now.  Resolutions to me seem to be open ended and then forgotten by February.  So this year I have goals, timeline and all.  I've also decided to "name my year", the idea coming from my dear friend and housemate of over a decade ago.  Daphne linked this article in her own blog recently.  I found it so inspiring and wished we lived closer so that I could attend her retreat.  Instead tonight Sophia and I will make "Vision Boards" as part of my search of my name for the new year.   I want to be conscious about living intentionally this year.  In 30 days, I will be 38.  10 years ago, I thought I would be just a little further along than I am now... but I'm not.  It all happened so fast!  I'm happy though.  10 more years, I'll be 48.  Holy shit.  I want more for myself... for my Sophia.   I want us to be OK.  So tonight, instead of painting my lips red, lamenting that I didn't get a New Year's kiss ONCE AGAIN, and toasting in the New Year with my community, I'm going don the stretchy pants and spend it with my 7 year old dreaming of what WILL happen in this next year.

The poster board, magazines, construction paper, glue sticks and glitter are waiting for me in the living room.  So for now I leave you.

Have a great evening my friends.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

How To Be Alone

I do this.  A lot more so before I had Miss Grace.  But I still do this... except I have to plan it a little more in advance.  My latest trip that I took by myself was  to San Francisco.  I love getting lost in that city.  When I told people what I was going to do, their automatic response was, "Who are you going with?"  The most common answer I got from everyone when I answered, "by myself", was quickly followed with a "why?" Well, why not?  Why are you so fearful of being alone?

I always had this idea of how my life was going to go:  graduate college at 21, get a job, work for a bit, meet the man of my dreams, be married and have my 2.5 kids by the time I was 24.  It didn't exactly happen.  And I can't say that I'm all that disappointed.  I don't think that I would be who I am now had I begun sharing my life with someone so early.  But what about my friends that did?  Those that were either committed to their significant other or got married really young and are still married.   Does that mean that they aren't as aware of themselves?  I don't think so.  And because I haven't "found him who my soul loves", does that mean that I'm missing out?  We all travel our own paths.

Originally I had begun this post as a response to an unhealthy situation.  I wish young girls would love themselves more than to go from boyfriend to boyfriend.  Who are silenced and don ugly shoes that they would never wear just to please "their man".  Who would allow their boyfriend to put them in a bad and embarrassing situation and then go back, despite everything.  Who tolerate drunken rages and screaming only inches away from their face.  Who don't heed the warning of family and friends who love them unconditionally.  After this process of getting it all out, I realized I was writing about who I was in my latter 20s and early 30s.  In observing a situation and getting so angry about it,  it was only because I was seeing me a few years ago.

I am no longer that person because I gathered myself and left that dysfunction behind.  My hope for her is that she has the courage to want to know herself and to love herself better than to tolerate bullshit.  I hope she can know what it is to be alone.  But I'm not the one to tell her.

These days I have healthy boundaries constructed because of the past.  I love my alone time and my independence.  I love holding out for what's best for me.  That's not to say that there is no room for someone else... but I'm so willing to wait until that time is ripe.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

My one rant against society for the day:  health care in the United States should be free or low cost.  It's ridiculous that there is a window of people that cannot afford private insurance or qualify for Medi-Cal. How do you let someone sit in absolute pain because they have an abscessed tooth and they can't afford a root canal?  How do you let a person live on the streets because they can't afford the meds to balance the chemicals in their brain?  How do you look someone in the eye that has been diagnosed with cancer and tell them to go home to wait to see if they qualify for help?

I shouldn't have to jump through firey hoops to take care of me or my child.