Monday, December 31, 2012

My girl, being the little genius she is, is watching Jeopardy right now therefore leaving me time to write this little diddy.

Tonight, as opposed to the last 9 or 10 years, will be a quiet one.  Providing I don't have more than one glass of Zinfandel, I just might stay up until midnight.  This year my day shift landed on New Year's Eve so I find myself at home with my girl instead of being surrounded by a bunch of grown ups tearing it up Tower style.

Rather than resolutions, I have goals for myself this year.  Tangible ones, attainable, and listed privately... for now.  Resolutions to me seem to be open ended and then forgotten by February.  So this year I have goals, timeline and all.  I've also decided to "name my year", the idea coming from my dear friend and housemate of over a decade ago.  Daphne linked this article in her own blog recently.  I found it so inspiring and wished we lived closer so that I could attend her retreat.  Instead tonight Sophia and I will make "Vision Boards" as part of my search of my name for the new year.   I want to be conscious about living intentionally this year.  In 30 days, I will be 38.  10 years ago, I thought I would be just a little further along than I am now... but I'm not.  It all happened so fast!  I'm happy though.  10 more years, I'll be 48.  Holy shit.  I want more for myself... for my Sophia.   I want us to be OK.  So tonight, instead of painting my lips red, lamenting that I didn't get a New Year's kiss ONCE AGAIN, and toasting in the New Year with my community, I'm going don the stretchy pants and spend it with my 7 year old dreaming of what WILL happen in this next year.

The poster board, magazines, construction paper, glue sticks and glitter are waiting for me in the living room.  So for now I leave you.

Have a great evening my friends.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

How To Be Alone

I do this.  A lot more so before I had Miss Grace.  But I still do this... except I have to plan it a little more in advance.  My latest trip that I took by myself was  to San Francisco.  I love getting lost in that city.  When I told people what I was going to do, their automatic response was, "Who are you going with?"  The most common answer I got from everyone when I answered, "by myself", was quickly followed with a "why?" Well, why not?  Why are you so fearful of being alone?

I always had this idea of how my life was going to go:  graduate college at 21, get a job, work for a bit, meet the man of my dreams, be married and have my 2.5 kids by the time I was 24.  It didn't exactly happen.  And I can't say that I'm all that disappointed.  I don't think that I would be who I am now had I begun sharing my life with someone so early.  But what about my friends that did?  Those that were either committed to their significant other or got married really young and are still married.   Does that mean that they aren't as aware of themselves?  I don't think so.  And because I haven't "found him who my soul loves", does that mean that I'm missing out?  We all travel our own paths.

Originally I had begun this post as a response to an unhealthy situation.  I wish young girls would love themselves more than to go from boyfriend to boyfriend.  Who are silenced and don ugly shoes that they would never wear just to please "their man".  Who would allow their boyfriend to put them in a bad and embarrassing situation and then go back, despite everything.  Who tolerate drunken rages and screaming only inches away from their face.  Who don't heed the warning of family and friends who love them unconditionally.  After this process of getting it all out, I realized I was writing about who I was in my latter 20s and early 30s.  In observing a situation and getting so angry about it,  it was only because I was seeing me a few years ago.

I am no longer that person because I gathered myself and left that dysfunction behind.  My hope for her is that she has the courage to want to know herself and to love herself better than to tolerate bullshit.  I hope she can know what it is to be alone.  But I'm not the one to tell her.

These days I have healthy boundaries constructed because of the past.  I love my alone time and my independence.  I love holding out for what's best for me.  That's not to say that there is no room for someone else... but I'm so willing to wait until that time is ripe.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

My one rant against society for the day:  health care in the United States should be free or low cost.  It's ridiculous that there is a window of people that cannot afford private insurance or qualify for Medi-Cal. How do you let someone sit in absolute pain because they have an abscessed tooth and they can't afford a root canal?  How do you let a person live on the streets because they can't afford the meds to balance the chemicals in their brain?  How do you look someone in the eye that has been diagnosed with cancer and tell them to go home to wait to see if they qualify for help?

I shouldn't have to jump through firey hoops to take care of me or my child.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Here I was, lamenting the fact that I have no one to rub my hamstrings. Jillian Micheals tore me up yesterday, but I must be doing it right. My walk was more of a hobble today. A FB friend put this on my wall about an hour ago. My life is good. And just because there is no one rub my hamstrings right now, doesn't mean that it isn't going to happen.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A long time a ago in a galaxy far, far away, I found dental dams in the back seat of my car. I also found another girl's sweater and a single strand of long red hair that wasn't my own. My hair is black. In my naiveté and what I realize now as denial, I believed his story that the dental dams were placed there as a joke by his co-workers.

How could I be so stupid?

This. This is what goes through my head in the wee hours of the morning. That incident was maybe 5 or 6 years ago now. I'm not in denial anymore and I've fixed my head... for the most part. But it's in these early hours when I can't sleep, when all is silent, that I'm staring the ugliness of regret full in the face. Again, why didn't I just stand up for myself... for my daughter?

Ugh. But, I can't think like that.

This weekend when I went on my mini-vacation to the City I listened to this Ted Talk by Katherine Schultz. How often do we hear, "No regrets!" Edith Piaf reminds us of this.  But is regret such a bad thing? It's 3:09 in the morning and this is what runs through my sleepless head. I wasn't stupid. I just wanted to believe in true love. I still believe it can happen. Not necessarily that it will though. And if it doesn't, it's ok. Regrets are there for a reason, it's up to me to choose what I do with them. I want to be thankful for them rather than to let them fester and grow into bitterness. Schultz says, "regret doesn't remind us we did badly but that we can do better... And that the point is not to live without regret, the point is to not hate ourselves for having them". All that ugliness has made me who I am today. To ask myself "why" or "how could I be so stupid" is unkind to my soul and bears no fruit.  I have a good life, a nice home, a bright future AND I'm not living with a liar.

Alright Ms. Piaf. While your song is beautiful and I've seen the title tattooed on many a forearm, I'll have to quietly disagree.

Monday, April 30, 2012

My friend from long ago wrote this on April 25th this year,

"One of the greatest spiritual writers of our time, Henri Nouwen, brought attention to Lies we often listen to and let define us. Drawing from the temptations of Christ, Nouwen illuminates that we too are tempted to define ourselves by 1) What we have, 2) What we do, and 3) What other people say about us. If we live these lies, we are subject to doing more harm than good. We exploit people and the entire created world without realizing it. Yes, even in our good intentions".

I'm struggling with where I think I should be as opposed to where I am right now.  But where I am right now is exactly where I need to be.  I am forced to reexamine my wants vs. my needs.  I have everything I need right now to be perfectly happy.  I am loved. I have nourishment.  I have employment. I am healthy.  I have the sunshine.  I have silence.


Saturday, April 28, 2012

I've never been a fan of this particular school at all, even when I was a conservative.  Bob Jones is a fundamental Christian university in South Carolina that is known in Christian circles for their ultra conservatism.  I knew people who went there in the early 90's when you couldn't walk alone with a member of the opposite sex in public unless you were 18 inches apart.  This video doesn't really tell the whole story though.

Kudos to to him for standing up for what is right.  This kid had to know what he was getting into when he entered Bob Jones.  However, growing up conservative like this, it was an evolution and a slow liberation from that thinking as I struck out on my own as well.  Perhaps the same is happening to him. I wish him the best!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

What's really sad is that there are people out there that actually believe this sort of thing.  It's upsetting to know that rather than providing facts and solutions, Santorum has decided to play on people's emotions and fear of the future.  Scare tactics.

Let's just congratulate Obama on his second term in office now.  It's in the bag.