Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A long time a ago in a galaxy far, far away, I found dental dams in the back seat of my car. I also found another girl's sweater and a single strand of long red hair that wasn't my own. My hair is black. In my naiveté and what I realize now as denial, I believed his story that the dental dams were placed there as a joke by his co-workers.

How could I be so stupid?

This. This is what goes through my head in the wee hours of the morning. That incident was maybe 5 or 6 years ago now. I'm not in denial anymore and I've fixed my head... for the most part. But it's in these early hours when I can't sleep, when all is silent, that I'm staring the ugliness of regret full in the face. Again, why didn't I just stand up for myself... for my daughter?

Ugh. But, I can't think like that.

This weekend when I went on my mini-vacation to the City I listened to this Ted Talk by Katherine Schultz. How often do we hear, "No regrets!" Edith Piaf reminds us of this.  But is regret such a bad thing? It's 3:09 in the morning and this is what runs through my sleepless head. I wasn't stupid. I just wanted to believe in true love. I still believe it can happen. Not necessarily that it will though. And if it doesn't, it's ok. Regrets are there for a reason, it's up to me to choose what I do with them. I want to be thankful for them rather than to let them fester and grow into bitterness. Schultz says, "regret doesn't remind us we did badly but that we can do better... And that the point is not to live without regret, the point is to not hate ourselves for having them". All that ugliness has made me who I am today. To ask myself "why" or "how could I be so stupid" is unkind to my soul and bears no fruit.  I have a good life, a nice home, a bright future AND I'm not living with a liar.

Alright Ms. Piaf. While your song is beautiful and I've seen the title tattooed on many a forearm, I'll have to quietly disagree.