Saturday, July 7, 2012

How To Be Alone

I do this.  A lot more so before I had Miss Grace.  But I still do this... except I have to plan it a little more in advance.  My latest trip that I took by myself was  to San Francisco.  I love getting lost in that city.  When I told people what I was going to do, their automatic response was, "Who are you going with?"  The most common answer I got from everyone when I answered, "by myself", was quickly followed with a "why?" Well, why not?  Why are you so fearful of being alone?

I always had this idea of how my life was going to go:  graduate college at 21, get a job, work for a bit, meet the man of my dreams, be married and have my 2.5 kids by the time I was 24.  It didn't exactly happen.  And I can't say that I'm all that disappointed.  I don't think that I would be who I am now had I begun sharing my life with someone so early.  But what about my friends that did?  Those that were either committed to their significant other or got married really young and are still married.   Does that mean that they aren't as aware of themselves?  I don't think so.  And because I haven't "found him who my soul loves", does that mean that I'm missing out?  We all travel our own paths.

Originally I had begun this post as a response to an unhealthy situation.  I wish young girls would love themselves more than to go from boyfriend to boyfriend.  Who are silenced and don ugly shoes that they would never wear just to please "their man".  Who would allow their boyfriend to put them in a bad and embarrassing situation and then go back, despite everything.  Who tolerate drunken rages and screaming only inches away from their face.  Who don't heed the warning of family and friends who love them unconditionally.  After this process of getting it all out, I realized I was writing about who I was in my latter 20s and early 30s.  In observing a situation and getting so angry about it,  it was only because I was seeing me a few years ago.

I am no longer that person because I gathered myself and left that dysfunction behind.  My hope for her is that she has the courage to want to know herself and to love herself better than to tolerate bullshit.  I hope she can know what it is to be alone.  But I'm not the one to tell her.

These days I have healthy boundaries constructed because of the past.  I love my alone time and my independence.  I love holding out for what's best for me.  That's not to say that there is no room for someone else... but I'm so willing to wait until that time is ripe.