Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A little bit of Ani tonight.

Today I received the pictures from my session with James. I got them while I was sitting down to some greasy calamari and fries. I avoid pictures at all costs. And the truth is, Sophia and I have very few of us together because of that. I know that's not healthy. So that's why I had these done.

And then on our way home tonight I heard this song.

This isn't about me. It's about my girl. I'm working on it.

Lately I've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
You'd think at my age I'd thought of something better to do
Than making insecurity into a full time job
Making insecurity into an art

And I fear my life will be over
And I will have never lived in unfettered
Always glaring into mirrors
Mad, I don't look better

But now here is this tiny baby
And they say she looks just like me
And she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
Yes, and I would defend to the ends of the earth
Her perfect right to be, be, be, be

So I'm beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says don't forget to have a good time
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace

Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face
Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face

Ani wrote this at 36 (not too much younger than me right now) after having her baby.  Tonight, it finally meant something to me.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I'd like a relationship please. Not just a boyfriend so I can throw that word into my vocabulary or someone to possess, but a real honest to goodness someone I can share life with. It's been a long time since I've called anyone that.

I think I'm ready. At least I'm pretty sure I am. My last "boyfriend" and I ended things a year ago now. And I use quotations because we never referred to each other as such. But is that really necessary? My boyfriend this, my boyfriend that... He has a name, right? A relationship isn't a status, nor do we own anyone. I only speak from experience. So yes. A year. It takes time to recover from things. I'll never understand people who go from relationship to relationship without taking time off in between to know yourself outside that of sharing your life with someone. Although, I did commit that very act a few short years ago. I'm not exempt from making mistakes, after all, it's the scars that teach us. It didn't end well. Relationships shouldn't save or redeem anyone. Redemption and salvation should be found before coming together with someone else. Again, another hard lesson learned. I'm thankful that time has happened.

So here I am: being me, honoring me and opening myself up to the good things that are to come my way.

At this point I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find it in my work environment. I'm open to it, but if I'm serving you as you binge drink, we won't be becoming an item anytime soon. Winks, poems, marriage proposals... it ain't gonna happen. So in my attempt to be proactive in this endeavor, I've joined I did OKCupid which is free, but free is slim pickens. Sliiiiim pickens I tell you... or booty calls, which is NOT what I want at all. It's been about two weeks now and already I'm chatting with a couple of people. It used to be I would meet someone, "smitten" would happen and boom! In a relationship. Again, I'm currently single, proving that hasn't worked out so well for me. So the Internet it is! I've been on a few dates, or interviews as my friend Eric calls them. Smitten hasn't happened, but second dates are on their way, so I'll get back to you on that one.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Yeah whatever. I'm not positive all the time and this post will most likely prove it.

As I was engaging in my morning Facebook scroll I came across this meme. Some days I respond with a 'yes!' or a 'right on!' Kind of like an 'amen!' if you grew up in church. However this morning, as to not discourage my positive friend, I think I'll just comment here with a 'meh'. Yes, 'meh'.

This morning I'm not really sure if I believe that bullshit. I woke up spread across the diagonal of my huge bed. You see, I can do this because for quite some years now I only share my bed with my two cats. And then occasionally the Gangly One finds her way across the hall for a cuddle. I can pretty much sleep anyway that I want because there isn't anyone else to to consider. Nobody calls me a blanket or a pillow hog and I can fall asleep to the TV blaring if I damn well please. Still, one day it would be nice to be waking up next to someone.

Which brings me back to this meme. I'm not looking, I swear! Well maybe just a little, but that OKCupid profile is coming down. Encouraged by my friends who met their soul mates online I gave it an honest shot. Nope. I met Dud, Weirdo, and Cray Cray. I barely have time to date as I work those prime date hours and when I'm not working, I'm being a Mom. Who wants in on that action? (Crickets chirping). The thing is, that's who I want: someone who wants in on that action.

How is it that there are couples who seem just to fall into this? I see it all the time. There are some ugly people (and not only in the physical sense) who have someone madly in love with them who overlook some serious stuff. And contrary to what Oprah stated in my previous post: it's working out FINE for them. Love really IS blind.

But still, that's not what I want. So is that why I'm still single? Because I won't overlook those red flags anymore?

I've experienced love. But I've also experienced some serious heartache. It's left me with wisdom that I'm truly thankful for. Hell no, I won't be making the same mistake twice. But here I am. 38 years old and sleeping single in a California king sized bed.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

So I thought I might have originally heard this on Oprah years ago, but I did my fact checking so I could write my backstory on my connection to this piece.  This is what I learned:  don't go believing everything you hear on the internet.  However, come to think of it, she could of just stated this in bits and pieces.  Anyway, here:

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then, heck no, you can't be "just friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or is in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more, nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending, compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships, there is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you, a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals, look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. Dating is fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes, when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with other women and men (just so they know). You'll make someone smile, another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man aware." -Oprah

In my early 20s, I was nodding my head in full agreement with these statements.  Now, well into my 30s, I'm still nodding but only now from experience.  Oy.  Hard lessons learned, but hey, they've been learned.