Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A little bit of Ani tonight.




Today I received the pictures from my session with James. I got them while I was sitting down to some greasy calamari and fries. I avoid pictures at all costs. And the truth is, Sophia and I have very few of us together because of that. I know that's not healthy. So that's why I had these done.

And then on our way home tonight I heard this song.

This isn't about me. It's about my girl. I'm working on it.

Lately I've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
You'd think at my age I'd thought of something better to do
Than making insecurity into a full time job
Making insecurity into an art

And I fear my life will be over
And I will have never lived in unfettered
Always glaring into mirrors
Mad, I don't look better

But now here is this tiny baby
And they say she looks just like me
And she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
Yes, and I would defend to the ends of the earth
Her perfect right to be, be, be, be

So I'm beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I've got myself a new mantra
It says don't forget to have a good time
Don't let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace

Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face
Love is all over the place
There's nothing wrong with your face


Ani wrote this at 36 (not too much younger than me right now) after having her baby.  Tonight, it finally meant something to me.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I'd like a relationship please. Not just a boyfriend so I can throw that word into my vocabulary or someone to possess, but a real honest to goodness someone I can share life with. It's been a long time since I've called anyone that.

I think I'm ready. At least I'm pretty sure I am. My last "boyfriend" and I ended things a year ago now. And I use quotations because we never referred to each other as such. But is that really necessary? My boyfriend this, my boyfriend that... He has a name, right? A relationship isn't a status, nor do we own anyone. I only speak from experience. So yes. A year. It takes time to recover from things. I'll never understand people who go from relationship to relationship without taking time off in between to know yourself outside that of sharing your life with someone. Although, I did commit that very act a few short years ago. I'm not exempt from making mistakes, after all, it's the scars that teach us. It didn't end well. Relationships shouldn't save or redeem anyone. Redemption and salvation should be found before coming together with someone else. Again, another hard lesson learned. I'm thankful that time has happened.

So here I am: being me, honoring me and opening myself up to the good things that are to come my way.

At this point I'm pretty sure I'm not going to find it in my work environment. I'm open to it, but if I'm serving you as you binge drink, we won't be becoming an item anytime soon. Winks, poems, marriage proposals... it ain't gonna happen. So in my attempt to be proactive in this endeavor, I've joined Match.com. I did OKCupid which is free, but free is slim pickens. Sliiiiim pickens I tell you... or booty calls, which is NOT what I want at all. It's been about two weeks now and already I'm chatting with a couple of people. It used to be I would meet someone, "smitten" would happen and boom! In a relationship. Again, I'm currently single, proving that hasn't worked out so well for me. So the Internet it is! I've been on a few dates, or interviews as my friend Eric calls them. Smitten hasn't happened, but second dates are on their way, so I'll get back to you on that one.