Now That I'm All Grown Up

2011-11-16T20:50:00.001-08:00

My good friend Sabrina posted a link to a blog that struck a chord with me on her Facebook page today. I linked it to my page and I was told it's loaded with pop up ads but I didn't have that problem. If you should want a copy, let me know. Here's my response:

Oooo, ouch! Years ago when I first moved into the Tower District, I met Becca. She worked at The Movies, an independent video rental spot. Actually, the BEST EVER video rental spot. The first night I met her she was sporting a shirt that read, "Recovering Christian". I remember thinking that she was walking a thin line, but years have gone by and things have changed. There's a reason why she is such a kindred spirit. Hi Becca! My name is Miriam and I'm a recovering Christian. I was raised in a church where we were taught to love the sinner, hate the sin. In other words, "I'm better than you". It has taken years and years of undoing, moving along with fear and trepidation with thoughts of maybe I never really was a Christian to begin with. I'm well into my 30s now and I know what I believe. I know what it means to be a Christian... to me. I try to be Christlike and that means loving everyone, showing grace, and not judging. When I lose focus and let my ego take over, I start judging instead of coming from a place of love. I don't like that part of myself.

I've just arrived home from church. Today, after reading this blog post and the service this evening, I'm challenged to really love. Put my money where my mouth is. Give more of my 'self'. Come from the place of love when I'm tempted to judge. Love when someone hates...

2011-10-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

Source: notyouraverageordinary.com via Miriam on Pinterest

I want this to be in my entry way. "To live content with small means".

Lots was spent this weekend in the city by the bay. I don't really have much to show for it except for some good memories, which are most important of course. What I didn't spend on clothes and trinkets I did spend on a decent hotel room, food, and my fact finding mission at some of the city's hip little watering holes. My one regret for the weekend: I wish I could of been a little more frugal... and not getting to eat at SPQR. OK. Two regrets. However, had we eaten there, I would probably feeling even more regretful about not living so frugally. Some of the things, not all of the things I wanted to do took cash, but yes. Money was spent. Money is hard to come by these days and not just for me. The amount of people living on the street proves it. We got hit up for change... everywhere. It was hard not to have to think about it and not have it move me or affect me in some way leaving me to question, what's my role? Food for thought.

Wanna see pictures?

I was all about the quintessential San Francisco experiences: We had Dim Sum. Just a general note: ALWAYS make sure it's cooked. That's all I'll say about that.

We went to City Lights Books.

We went Bohemian and visited Vesuvio.

We visited a modern day speakeasy. Part of my fact finding mission. Coming soon to my drink repertoire: tinctures and bitters. I was so inspired. I also got the chance to visit 15 Romolo. If I lived in the city, THAT would be my spot.

I had Banh Mi at midnight... because the city has EVERYTHING at midnight!

We stayed at an environmentally friendly hotel.

We took a guided tour of the bay on a boat. Thanks Groupon!

We had oysters and Bloody Marys at Fisherman's Wharf.

I introduced someone to The Buena Vista who had never been there before.

We saw how chocolate was made at Ghirardelli Square.

We took taxis and hoofed it everywhere.

We had dinner and listened to music while dining at Yoshis.

And, I got to see the Painted Ladies at Alamo Square. It's all hills!

I was busy. Nevertheless, it was a good time and I experienced all that makes up San Francisco. But I know there's so much more to see. I love that city. Next time, I take my girl.

2011-10-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

Years ago when I was on staff at a large church a member of the college worship team was walking down one of the hallways at the church when he ran into the senior pastor. He greeted the Pastor at which point the Pastor commented on my friend's earrings (he sported posts in each ear) and asked him, "What are ya? A homosexual?" When our friend was relating this to me and my roommate, I think he was more upset about being accused as gay than he was at the Pastor (of this huge church) calling him out in the way that he did. In the conversations that ensued, I came to the conclusion that in my mind, evangelical churches needed to reexamine themselves on this subject. What if he really was gay and wanted our church to be his house of worship? Clearly, this sent a message that being gay was wrong AND it was OK to poke fun at them. (This experience among others soon led to my demise there).

I came across John Shore's blog on The Christian Left's FB page this morning. It's what's inspired this post. Originally I had intended on posting a link to it on my page with a single comment, but it's a subject very near and dear to my heart, thus earning it a blog post. Tell me. Where does Jesus Christ himself say, "You can't be gay"? And why is it such a big freakin' deal that people lose their jobs over wanting to love people as Jesus does? It's sad that the church has moved away from this basic example that Jesus has set for us and created one of their own that causes devision and forces people to walk away from a very loving God.

It's really a non-issue, yet it's been one of the biggest issues that divides believers today... and shouldn't we all be unified?

Edited.

2011-10-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a friend who didn't understand that I just didn't have $75 to purchase a piece of furniture. Yes, I have $75. But not to purchase a piece of furniture... that we had already traded for. Sure, I would like it and it looks great in my living room, but I'm a single mom, who doesn't get one red cent in child support and if I should want a weekend out of town, it takes months of planning and saving.

I so relate to Jennifer Anniston's character in this movie. It's not like I'm scraping for pennies these days, but I don't really have a whole lot left over to go on a cruise or to spend thousands on my pets or to get my nails done or my hair done at the salon. But if I did, would I? I don't think I would. I did a couple of stints where I did Acrylics (big mistake for a bartender). Before Sophia, I went to the salon on a regular basis. But these days I can't rationalize a beauty budget. I'd rather go camping. And that is where I think it lays. Not that having a beauty budget is wrong for you. It's just not what's important to me.

It boils down to Money. Ew. Would I feel that way if I had it? Would I spend it on myself or give it away... What am I doing right now? A new friend put this up on Facebook last night.

I'd rather be the kind of person that does this.

Friends with Money - Movie Trailer

2011-10-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

my body.

2011-09-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

I love walking around naked. I think I'm sexy. My body bears the marks of motherhood: stretch marks and a scar from which the midwife pulled my child from me. I think it's part of what makes me sexy.

I would venture to say that this is what I look like. A little less booty though, I've never been really blessed in that region. In the 1600s this was beauty. There are plenty of people out there who still think this is beautiful... myself included.

But somewhere along the line, this has become the ideal of beauty. She must have worked hard for that body and yes it looks like I could do my laundry on her stomach, but when did this become the image of what women compare themselves to?

I want to model to my daughter a healthy self-image. I don't want her to compare herself to other girls or to think that if you can't shop at Forever 21, it doesn't mean that you aren't beautiful. Beauty is so much more than skin deep. Beauty is in your words and your actions. Beauty is what is on the inside. Beauty is compassion and love. Beauty is taking that money you were going to spend on that tummy tuck and boob lift and giving it to the hungry or your child's future. So I guess that means I have to actively be seeking that myself. It's hard though. I also bear the scars of hurtful words and actions of those once very close to me. Being a girl, those things cut deep. However, as time goes on and as my daughter grows, how she sees herself becomes more important than whether or not I'll be wearing a size 10 by the time my 20 year reunion rolls around next summer.

I came across this on Pinterest the other day...

The quote beside it read: "A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me.
It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it."
This is how I feel about things now. I pondered hard the other day that if I had the means to do it, would I get plastic surgery? I don't think so. I don't think stretch marks are 'ugly'. I don't 'hate' my body. Life is a gift. It's up to us to see it as such and to be that model to our children.
There. Got it off my chest.

2011-08-31T17:15:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Winco where I witnessed one of the worst temper tantrums ever. And before I go any further, no, it wasn't Miss Grace. Thank God. I'd like to think I nipped that one in the bud early on.

I could hear this kid from the moment I walked in the store. It sounded like demons screaming, "I want that flower!" over and over again. They were in the produce section and I needed mushrooms. Sure enough, there was this little towheaded little boy on his hands and knees hanging onto his mother's cart as she tried to push it along. "I want that flower! Aaaaaaaaah!" I had to get out of there. Mom was ignoring it all. Dad too. That's right. Dad too. There were two of them. I only had a couple of more things to get so I made my way away from them. But the screaming didn't stop. After I had gathered my things, I ran into them again and Mom was finally giving him the 3 count. Yeah lady. I think it might be a little late for that. As I was going through the check out, I saw Dad take him out... and he was still screaming. And when I drove out, there they sat on the curb... where he was still screaming.

Unacceptable.

I don't know their situation. The boy could have behavioral issues. They could be shitty parents. But Gawd. All that screaming for the 15 minutes I spent in that store sent me reeling. I had to get it out of my system and you are the recipients.

Thankyouverymuch.

Out of the mouths of babes. And a cute one at that!

2011-07-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

‎"If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, (or) we have to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it."
~ Stephen Colbert (Borrowed from my friend Eric's FB page).

The other day Sophia came to me and tells me that rather than buying something with the money in her piggy bank, she would rather give it to the people we saw standing in line at Catholic Charities for a bag of groceries. The line went clear down the street and around the block. I could be there. You could be there. I explained to her the best I could what was taking place. Yesterday, after a trip to Vons to buy some overpriced Spinach she says "that way people would have money to buy food and they wouldn't have to be hungry". Sometimes I think all my kiddo sees is what she doesn't have. Trips to Target are excruciating. She does that, "you never get me anything!" rant every time she comes across a coveted toy. But this time, she did her Mama proud.

Pow, right in the kisser! I was forced to face up to something I don't do as much as I would like to do: giving monetarily to those who are in need. If I'm such a big advocate of being Christlike then I need to put my money where my mouth is. When I woke up this morning I flipped on the TV (cause I can on Saturdays) and came across a show called Big Rich Texas. Shows like this disgust me. It profiles a culture of people completely obsessed with themSELVES. Period. But maybe I get so grossed out by this behavior because in some twisted way... I see bits of myself in them.

Time to change some more things.

You have my word.

2011-07-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched Sick, Fat, and Nearly Dead. Here's the trailer just in case you missed my Facebook link...

So for the past day I've been pulling up youtube testimonials of others who have tried this. Needless to say, I'm inspired. So much so I bought a juicer online which should be coming sometime next week. I'm not even going to commit to the 60 days right now. 10 days though for sure. Already for the past couple of days I've had the green monster for breakfast. Unbeknownst to her, Miss Grace did too.

So why am I doing this? I'm half way to 37 this year. As I was watching this movie yesterday I noticed that Joe and Phil (the two main guys of the movie) weren't much older than me when they began their "reboot" - early 40's, but they both looked way older. I know that's not my case... but I don't want that to be my case anytime in the near future. I'm no spring chicken and there's no sense in going down when I don't have to. It's time to go up... way up.

2011-07-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

Today I am hugging my kiddo a bit more. I am so sad over this whole thing... much sadder than I thought I would be over something I am so removed from. But am I really that removed when I look at Sophia? I love her with an indescribable love. She was a bit of a surprise, but a very welcome one. And yes, my life has changed drastically since having her. Gone are the days of living entirely for myself. I really don't miss those days at all. But I can understand missing them.

So many thoughts racing through my head: Why did she do it? How could she do it? Did she do it? Why did she lie so much? How could she party when her daughter was missing? Why didn't she say anything for a month if she is innocent?

I just keep thinking: GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!!! And then the other thoughts come in: Well, she has what's coming to her. She better watch her back. What a nut job.

Anger kept creeping up on me today. Some lady took forever getting through the check out at Vons. It was annoying because what she was doing could of been done at the customer service desk. Sophia used me as her human punching bag on more than one occasion. Getting her to take her meds (for her lip) was a bitch. My non-paid vacation is coming up (yay and nay). Health issues and a root canal tomorrow. Grumble, grumble, grumble.

And all this to say tonight: WWJD? Yup. I said it: What would Jesus do? I don't think he thinks any of those things about Caylee's Mom. So what do I do? Learn from this. Love the lady in the big expensive car in front of me at the check out line. Take that extra breath and spend more time with my kiddo when she's trying to get my attention by pummeling me. Be thankful for vacation and use my finances wisely. Be thankful for the fact that I qualify for Medi-cal. AND... pray for Caylee's Mom, my reaction to it and what I'm showing my daughter.

(Not edited. But then again, none of my post really are).

2011-07-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

I started following a blog about healthy living. This is the same girl who started The Green Monster Movement. I'm hopping on board... See? Something is up with my 36 year old self. I feel like my teeth are falling out of my head, something is seriously afoul with my kidneys, my woman parts are jacked and I could stand to lose a few pounds. It's time to change things up my friends. There's a lot of living I have to do and I want to do it well!

This morning my smoothie consisted of unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 1/2 banana, frozen blueberries, 2 c. of spinach and a pinch of Stevia.

And just a note, the fact that it's in the Hemp Ale glass does not indicate what kind of greenery is in my drink... Although I may be on to something.

2011-06-11T03:35:00.000-07:00

2011-06-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting session with the Therapy Lady this week as opposed to last week where it seemed like I was jumping from subject to subject in order to find something wrong. But just because things may be OK for a bit doesn't mean talk therapy should stop. I've been going solid now, pretty much once a week since September. Nothing dramatic has happened. No major revelations, just affirmations of what I've known for a long time:

I've been waiting for life to begin. But the truth is, it already started and I've been sitting on the sidelines watching it happen. So now this begs the question, how do I live my life? Right now there's the matter of the CSET. Nope. Still haven't taken it. Fear of not passing. Fear of not getting into a program. Fear of not being hired. Rumor has it there are slim pickins' in the way of teaching jobs here in California. Thank God for my job already which I absolutely adore. But I need health insurance. I need a retirement. I need a raise. Maybe I should concentrate more on my niche that I've created for myself at the 'Mark. The bossladies have been good to me. They usually let me run with ideas and always have my back. Food for thought.

I deserve the best, but do I give myself that? I want the best for Sophia, but if I don't allow myself the best, how will she in the future? Something's gotta give...

Time to focus on me for a bit.

2011-06-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

Exactly 30 minutes till I put the kiddo down for the night and she just asked me what "festant anarchy" means. They just used that term on Open Season 2. You know, that kid's movie? I said stinking no government and she answered with an, "oh". Easy.

I skipped church tonight, which is usually my beacon of adult conversation on Wednesday. It's been a long day: Rugrat Wednesday (the last one), Riverpark for swimsuits, water shoes, end of the year teacher's gifts, Sushi at Yoshinos, water play in the backyard, a clean kitchen, laundry, dinner and now a movie. 20 more minutes.

Oh come on. I know the rest of you with kids do this too.

17 more minutes now...

2011-06-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

A couple of posts by some FB friends on their own pages read after I linked my blog:

Whether we are upper class or lower class, powerful or powerless, married or single, is all irrelevant. What matters is your calling from God.
Do not let self righteousness get in the way of the enjoyment of life. you might just miss a whole bunch of experiences.

2011-06-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

This morning was a new early for me. At 4:50 AM, my eyes popped open. While my profession lends itself to me catching my zzzzzz's in the wee hours of the morning, if it's not a work night, I'm down before 11 and up between 5:30 and 6. So. Top of the mornin' to ya!

This is what was running through my head this morning. How is it OK to have 53 guns in your house, "some loaded and not locked up". So now that this person has exercised his "God given right" to own firearms... was it worth it at the expense of such a precious little life? Right after this happened the gun range offered a gun safety class. Why though? Isn't it common sense that loaded guns shouldn't be in the house where a toddler, who isn't a rational thinker yet, can get ahold of them? I feel like gun advocates are quick to defend their rights when stuff like this goes down. But the guy had 53 guns. You can't possibly defend that.

Just saw this post to FB: "If you voted for Obama in 2008 to prove your weren't a racist, you'd better vote for someone else in 2012 to prove you're not an idiot". Nice. I love the fact that it's so overtly grammatically incorrect that the maker of the sign doesn't realize the irony in it.

Yikes. This post isn't going in the direction I wanted it to. I get all ranty in the morning and wind up offending too many people. Ok, positive stuff:

- I also woke up with a little Chris Tomlin in my head.

"I will wait for you to move,
For your mighty hand to save,
When the troubled waters rise,
Lord, you are my hiding place".

Lately I've been questioning Why and When on various matters. I remember having a talk with someone when I was about 20 and promising that if I was still not married by the time I was 26, I wasn't going to fret but to use my "gift of singleness" as a tool for God. I wonder if way back in 1994 if the Lord chuckled when he heard that?

- Memorial Day went off with out a hitch. The first ribs of the season were tasty. (Pats myself on my back). I love my new Tiki torches and my new plastic patio furniture. Miss Grace was entertained although there were not other little ones. Thank goodness my friends haven't forgotten what it's like to play like children. Thanks to all who made it. And most of all, thanks for your wonderful friendships. More BBQs to come this season...

ohmygoodness. It's June already... and a couple of minutes before 7. Time to wake Sleeping Beauty.

A few things

2011-05-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

After seeing a FB friend's post that he's finally had his first bowl of Pho, I have the sudden hankerin' to make a batch. The problem is that it takes forever... or phoever. Ha! I was thinking about cleaning out the old smoker for some ribs and tips come Sunday, but maybe we're due for a nice bowl of noodles.

In other news, it was a full day:

Rugrat Wednesday included painting and then some "supervising" for those who sold so many boxes in some various Bounce Houses. Problem was, where said Bounce Houses were set up, there were a ton of thorns. It was pleasure mixed with pain for the kiddos. While they wanted to bounce their little hearts out, there were stickers everywhere!
Playdate with Miss Emily M. This one went better than expected. Still learning the "we don't have to agree on everything but we can still have fun concept".
The Money Grab. Miss Grace won the opportunity to grab as much as she could in 30 seconds for selling 30 boxes of cookies. She was one of 10 in the entire school from what I understand. The whole concept trips me out: she stands in this plastic box in the middle of this pile of cash that's being blown around her for 30 seconds and what she grabs is hers. The whole thing has GREED written all over this... but how come I'm the only one who's weirded out by this?
I cleaned the house from top to bottom. I love a clean house.
Dinner at Piazza Del Panne with Miss Grace. We had originally planned to picnic at the park, but Holy Moly the wind was nuts tonight... and it got cold!
Church at The Well. Well. I don't know. Tonight's message was kind of unnerving. Yesterday I posted a link to a charge that a Republican senator from Minnesota gave to his constituents and colleagues regarding the measure concerning gay marriage on the ballot. I feel like the Pastor, while he isn't my Facebook friend, read my post and gave a public rebuttal. I still don't agree. Still, I do think I'm a Jesus freak... but I don't think being gay is a sin. So why was that EVEN brought up tonight? We were talking about idolatry... Argh. I feel like that's a huge dividing line that really shouldn't be. Think about how much more unified we would be as a church if we could stop judging things we just don't understand and just start loving...

Anyhoo. I got some laundry to fold...

2011-05-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Well I just had one of the most scariest 30 minutes of my life. Deanna, Sophia's little classmate across the street went missing. Yes, missing. For a solid hour... maybe more. I am seriously emotionally exhausted right now, but thank you Jesus, she was sleeping under a pile of blankets in the living room. The police came out and our whole neighborhood... even the disabled and the punk ass kid next door were up and down the streets searching. But yes, the whole time little Deanna was just in a deep, deep slumber under some blankets. Mind you, she has 4 other brothers and sisters so this definitely feasible. Mom and Dad watch those kiddos like hawks. Anytime anyone of them is out front playing an adult is always out front so it was a sheer mystery of where she would of went. While Mom and Dad were dealing with the authorities I held onto the baby of the family who was inconsolable herself. The worse was racing though my mind as Sophia stood beside me asking me what was wrong. And the wails coming from the house were something I don't want to hear ever again. But again, thank you Jesus - she's ok.

2011-05-18T21:29:00.000-07:00

Today I came across a couple of things I wanted to repost and share. Alas, while I would like to spend my time on the social networks socially networking, keeping my home and single-parenting my almost 6 year old doesn't allow for such things these days. So here you go in a lump:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I get it that politicians are not perfect and only human. The problem comes though is when they throw stones at us. Why would you try to legislate what you deem to be morality if you can't even hold to that moral code in your own household? Do you really stand for that then?

And on another note. I love you Rachel. The lesbian in me will emerge if you should ever sit at my bar.

"Ghandi was so fucking Christian, he was Hindu" and "Saying you’re a Christian and not following His commandments is like joining Green peace and hating whales". Oh Bill, how you make me chuckle. I came across a lot of "Burn in Hell" posts on Facebook when Osama was killed. I had trouble with that, but with such a sensitive subject I decided to stay silent and reflect instead. Last year a friendly acquaintance passed away suddenly. I always kept her at an arms length because she had made it a point to call me out on things way personal that were absolutely none of her business. It was really more her problem than mine but my insecurities always got the best of me and I let it bother me. So when she passed, I was still dealing with her stuff she brought around. And because it was still sitting with me when she passed... I felt like what I felt toward her was still out there, but really insignificant. I don't even want it to be out there. It was more me and how I responded than her calling me out. Bill Maher calls out Christians to where it hurts. I want to love despite...

Alrighty. It's off my chest.

2011-05-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

It's so quiet. Sophia's at school right now but I have to pick her up in about 10 minutes.

I haven't at all been on the social networking very much as of late. I found myself during Lent missing it... and not. And now, well, I haven't been wanting to post at all. I kind of like my privacy. Privacy is something I sort of let go little by little as my internet community began to grow. However now, I'm feeling rather quiet. Me, quiet?

It's not like I'm not doing things... because I am. The sun is out and everyday is beautiful. I just don't feel the need to clue EVERYONE in on that. I would rather have you there in person with me enjoying the sun. This is not to say I'm not going to post anymore. Just not as much and maybe I'll ponder things a bit more before I hit that "send" button.

2011-04-28T08:52:00.001-07:00

Yesterday at Yosemite Falls. It was only 1/2 a tank of gas to get there. You need to go!

2011-04-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

The end of Lent is near. And can I say - Thank God! I miss Facebook. And not. Admittedly, I've checked it here and there. It was kind of like giving up meat. It was there and I could see it, but I didn't indulge. Giving things up was hard. In the beginning it was exciting: this idea of being silent and devoting myself to holiness for a set period. Yeah, that lasted for about a couple of weeks. However, this was the most serious I've been about observing Lent in years. Maybe because I had an accountability partner of sorts. I haven't had one of those in years. Yes, I slipped up a couple of times, but that my friends is between me and God.

So Facebook. Will I come back? Yes, but I might be changing some things up. I wear my heart on my sleeve to the point where it's been sort of detrimental on my part. I'm going to try and make a conscious effort not to be so "raw". This absence has made me realize how much hiding out I do with the guise of being attached to everyone because I have the internets streaming into my kitchen 24/7. How attached am I though? When was the last time I had a dinner guest over? Speaking of which, what are you all doing for Easter? Nope. Not going to church. It's way too crowded. I'm definitely firing up the grill. A little lamb. Maybe some ribs? Anyway, lighter posts are on the way, (includes the blog) and some not (I'm still me).

Subject change:

What I did for Spring Break (and sadly it didn't include margaritas).

I procured an extra kiddo for 24 hours beginning Monday night. It was Sophia's first sleepover with a friend and Marianna was on Spring Break. Her Mama's a teacher who's Break is next week so it was me and the two rugrats... alone. Did I mention that both are "only childs"? Sleepover was interesting. Mari accused Sophia of being mean... which she was, but Sophia had ideals of what should be taking place. This in turn made Mari feign a stomach ache and request (one of many) that she wants to go home. I stuck it out and this smile in the above picture made it's appearance many more times throughout our adventure.

Here they are the next morning. We took a road trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium and they started out telling secrets. I still don't know what they are. So it was two kindergarteners,

my faithful friend Digger

and me. (You have to be a little nutty to do what I did).

First stop, Casa de Tourist trap. Still a fond childhood memory. Took the girls through all the stuff I did when I was their age when I stopped through with my parental guidance.

We got our wiggles out.

We loved on each other.

We greeted the ducks.

We got tangled up with the doggie.

And we walked the rails back to our car.

We arrived!

Shrimp

Anemone

Starfish with long spindly arms with pokey things coming out of those arms. I think these were my favorite of the day.

Crab.

The bottom side to a starfish.

Cuttlefish. These guys change color right before your eyes!

A seahorse.

Jellyfish.

They realized they would get a better view if they crouched on their knees as opposed to trying to hang on the rail.

Cuteness.

All sorts of cuteness. They lasted for a little over an hour in the aquarium. And as opposed to last time, this time we made it through the whole thing!

Next stop the Carmel River Beach.

The girls wanted to bury me. I let them do my feet.

Dying to go in to the 50 degree water.

A souvenir. The germaphobe in me saw flesh eating bacteria written all over it.

And my artsy shot at the end of the day. From here we headed out. Home by 7ish. Pizza by 7:30ish. Bed for the both of us by 8:30ish. I was out by 10.

Believe it or not, I want to do something like this again. Maybe with another adult though...

2011-04-13T08:45:00.001-07:00

Day #3 and the kiddo is still sick! And well, let's face it: I am too, but not as bad as her. While she hasn't been running a temp, there's still a lot of hacking, congestion, and stuffy noses. I, on the other hand am on the mend. I suppose she is too, but the process for her seems to be a bit slower than mine. Or maybe I've been sick but as a Mom, the world doesn't stop. What happened to the days when someone took care of me? My Mom came out yesterday to chill with Sophia so I could head to the gym and to the grocery store but she also charged me five bucks for gas. Understandably so, but, well - Waaaaaaa!!! Ok. That there is my cry for the day. Did I also mention that my Internet is down? Having not been on the Social Network for a good month now it's not that big of a deal but on a day like today...

2011-04-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

And your point is... I knew someone who was picked up for soliciting a hooker as well. I would imagine you do to except you may not know it...

2011-04-04T09:44:00.001-07:00

People who open doors for others officially make up for Santa Claus not being real and all.

- as Tweeted by Soulpancake just a few minutes ago.

Coffee at the Iron Bird while listening to my friend of a few years and barista Kevin strum while on his break. Read the paper and have decided I want chickens. Read my Nouwen for the day and I know I am loved.

"... when Jesus talks about faith, he means first of all to trust unreservedly that you are loved, so that you can abandon every false way of obtaining love".
- Henri Nouwen

Time to get to work.

2011-03-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling rather posty today. Funny because when I stepped away from Facebook I kind of stepped away from the computer all together. However this morning I was a bit frustrated and I had to get it out. It's been sitting with me all day. On my way to church this evening I prayed that God would show me how do deal with this. Do I pursue it, or do I drop it? How do I conduct myself with the neighbors? How do I respond to the kid next door next time I see him?

Tonight the Pastor taught from Luke 19:11, The parable of the Ten Servants. This is what I came away with: Be faithful with what God has given you. Be about what Jesus was about -

"For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost" Luke 19:10.

And then we closed with a song with lyrics from Micah 6:8. I looked it up in The Message and although less poetic from the King James I like the message it conveys better -

"But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
   what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
   be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously—
   take God seriously".

And there's my answer. My reoccurring theme that I suppose will remain with me until the end of my days is Grace. When the Pastor closed he charged us to "keep the main thing, the main thing". It's easy for me to forget when I want justice... for me. (Gosh Darnit, $400-$600 gone!) But the kid next door needs the same grace I do... everyday. Wow.

Hard but good lesson learned.

2011-03-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

Innocent shminocent.

"The sad thing is that my son is the innocent bystander in it all".
- The mother of the boy who was an accomplice in the breaking in of my house.

I finally got a chance to catch my neighbor this morning as she was pulling back into her driveway. She's been avoiding me, even not returning my phone call after all this went down. How is that possible? She says she's been on him, but he comes and goes with his friends as he pleases. Her son distracted his grandfather and kept watch while his friend broke into my house. He's not innocent. She also said that the other kid said that he did yard work for me and that's how he knew where my stuff was. The other kid has never done yard work for me. This is how I know they knew where my things were: twice before the side door to the garage was open. Her son could have advised his friends against it. He's so not an innocent bystander. My Mom's husband said it was due to the expansion and the shrinking of my house. Only twice in the three years I have lived here and within a couple of weeks of each other? I told the mother I thought it was strange that none of the parents involved have apologized or had their boys apologize and offer to pay me back. This included her. It seemed to fly right over her head. She told me that the mother of the other boys is an addict and a panhandler. I asked her if their counselors at school knew about this. She said they don't go to school at all. I asked about CPS. She knew nothing. In other words, she didn't really know about the company her son was keeping until after the fact. Bottom line: it's her mess that she's created but isn't really doing anything about cleaning it up right now. This is frustrating. I called the DA's office and they said I should be getting a letter in the mail, but it's already been a full month and nothing...

Do I let it go? Is letting it go part of forgiving? Then how is the neighbor going to learn his lesson because it's obvious his mother isn't teaching him. I don't like how I feel: violated and angry. It's uncomfortable seeing them (the boy and his Mom) on the few occasions that I have since the incident. No apology from them... nothing but excuses. This is why I want to teach. I want to make a difference, even if it's the tiniest bit. I don't expect to be Jamie Escalante, but kids like the neighbor and his punk ass friends have slipped through the cracks because of their home life. This also makes me want to do even more "right" by my own child.

On Monday after I got home from work and retrieving Sophia from her grandparents I fell onto the couch. Mondays are long. I go from 8 until I put the kiddo down for the evening. Miss Grace was by my side on her Leapster and I was on my phone perfecting my Angry Birds score. I looked at the kiddos face all blue from the glow of her game and I freaked. While we were sitting next to each other, we weren't engaged with each other. I asked her if she wanted to play some Hi-Ho Cheerio and she was completely down. The next hour and half was spent fully engaged with Miss Grace, not just keeping her entertained, but playing a fun board game, chowing on some Strawberry Shortcake, telling jokes and talking about our days, giving her a "pink" bath and reading stories before bedtime. Sometimes when it's just me and her and I'm tired, I find myself tuning out and only entertaining, but not engaging. My 5 year old is a smart one with a full mind of her own now. I remember being 5 and being a fully rational thinker complete with my own secrets. I wonder what Miss Grace knows?

I don't want her to be that kid that slips through the cracks because of her Mother only entertained her...

2011-03-29T11:29:00.001-07:00

The future has already begun and is revealed each time strangers are welcomed, the naked are clothed, the sick and prisoners are visited, and oppression is overcome.
- Henry JM Nouwen

2011-03-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

My copy came yesterday via Amazon. I can't wait to read it and see what the controversy is all about. It hadn't even come out and left and right there was criticism calling out Rob Bell as a "heretic" and that he's preaching "Universalism". Gather the angry mobs! Bring this man down! Seriously. I read that garbage. Even my own pastor, without naming Rob Bell directly preached a Hell, Fire and Brimstone message a couple of weeks ago just as the book was being released. He cautioned us against Universalism. What's so wrong with questioning and looking at the Bible with an open mind? The older I become and the more people I meet with diverse backgrounds, I have trouble believing that my way is the "only" way. (And I know what many of you may be thinking: that I'm treading on thin ice). But really, if you were raised in Islam the way you were raised in Christianity, you would probably look at Christianity and you might think it was a crock. So who's to say that I'm right and you are wrong? And as far as Christianity and the Bible is concerned, there are so many different interpretations out there of the original Aramaic and Hebrew that isn't it possible some of the context has been lost? This is what I know: God is Love. He sent his son to live among us as Love. As a believer, I need to show that same Love and Grace to everyone. In my humble opinion, calling out Rob Bell as a heretic and a Universalist isn't very loving... to him or to the Universalist.

I'm struggling these days. The novelty of Lent has worn thin and I'm officially in the thick of it. I want Pho. I want an Irish Coffee. And yes, I want to hop on "the book" and see what my friends are up to. On the other hand it's been fun finding Veggie recipes and making meals that Miss Grace is devouring, even though meatless. Not imbibing on a daily basis has allotted me a clear mind and a ton more energy. And refraining from Facebook has caused me to go outside myself and actually call a friend or two and build friendships the old fashioned way... over tea and dinner. Who would of thought?

2011-03-21T09:51:00.001-07:00

Monday morning Iron Bird redone: Revue ex-patriots 13 years later.

2011-03-10T07:38:00.001-08:00

This is something I would have posted on FB yesterday. Instead I'll share it here.

On giving up Facebook

2011-03-10T07:35:00.000-08:00

It's only Day #2 of no Facebook and I'm fine. It's not like I thought I would have withdrawals or anything but I am very well aware of how often I'm logged on. At one point on my phone, it was completely a subconscious thing when I toggled over before I recognized what I was doing. I have 3 notifications. I didn't look at them though. I need to remove it from the phone all together. Yesterday was nice. Already I'm on my phone and my computer a whole lot less.

I have a dilemma though. Whereas I should of posted to FB where I'm sure I would have dozens chiming in offering their advice it's very rare that I get a comment here even though my "counter" indicates that people are stalking... um, reading... Anyway, my dilemma: My friend and I are hosting a baby shower for Jason, my cohort behind the bar. While I have personal invites, his circle of friends is huge being the Tower regular that he is. I want to make an event on FB, but am I breaking with the swearing off of FB for Lent if I do? I'm going to post a link to this blog. I can do that without logging on. What I would like for you to do, even if you don't have a blogger account is to respond here. You can do so anonymously and sign your name on your comment. Should I just log on to create an event? Or should I get one of my graphically talented friends to draw up a flier? Should I create the event here on my blog?

Yes, it's quite the quandary.

2011-03-10T06:58:00.000-08:00

Good Choice #1 today: I'm having oatmeal for breakfast - or rather oatmemeal as Miss Grace would call it. On a typical day I skip breakfast. I know, bad choice. I'm usually just not hungry. But this morning I am. I'm going to attribute it to my meatless dinner last night. While the kiddos (playgroup at my house before church) had chicken tacos I made this:

A burrito filled with diced sweet potatoes sauteed with onions and blackbeans, topped with salsa, avocado, and queso fresco. It was magnifique! Meatless will be fun but meatless will be challenging as well. This weather makes me want to use my newly restored grill for things of the fleshy nature like a nice rack of ribs. I make a mean rack of smoked ribs you know... For now though my Moosewood Cookbooks are out and bookmarked.

2011-03-08T09:57:00.000-08:00

Hate hit close to home this week. Way to close to home. First there was the kids that broke into my home. I've come to the conclusion that this isn't the first time they were in my home either. Second, there was a shooting at a family party where my daughter was. I was at work and she was with her grandparents. Two people were injured and a family member was killed. Somebody just walked up and started shooting into the crowd out in the front yard. Luckily Sophia was in another part of the house but there were children everywhere. Last night she talked of fireworks going off and hurting people. And worse? The shooter got away. My heart is breaking for Sophia's Dad's family. His Mom even is in hospital now from all the stress. These days I'm a little removed from them so it's all I can do to pray.

A few years ago my relationship ended horribly with Sophia's father. I harbored so much hate from that. And then more recent when what I thought was supposed to be forever came to a bitter end, I got really angry as a result of my hatred for the situation. All the hate affected me physically now that I think about all my ailments this past year... It all came to a head in one really ugly episode... a solid two months ago now. Maybe I needed that. Hate is exhausting. We all have our own paths to follow and my own is what I should be focusing on. Since then it's been a slow humbling climb back up but I can honestly say that the hate is gone. What a great weight to be lifted! All is becoming right in my world, or as right as it can be which I guess is right for me.

Why all the hate? Jesus. Let it go! Why break into my house, rifle through my things, steal from me, shoot up my extended family with MY child in the house?

Let
It
Go

So here we are fast approaching the Lenten season. Actually it's here already being Fat Tuesday. I'm giving up a few things:

Facebook. Yup. While it's a great tool for communicating I'm going to take this season to look within and also to reach out. Facebook makes it way too easy to be present... but not. Facebook also kind of creates a false social circle that can be entirely way too large. I'll be back in 40 days, but time to go outside and play.
Flesh. It's traditional. And while I'm not traditionally catholic by any means, just the idea of denying myself something that I indulge in every single day makes perfect sense in this time of self discipline.
Booze. I'm a bartender. I could use this.

Even more so than giving up things I think I need to take this time to focus on:

Loving more of myself and others. Had I done this YEARS ago, maybe I wouldn't have been so angry the last few years. I want others to see Jesus in me by not what I'm giving up, but what I'm focusing on. Love.

Anyway, just so you all know I will be keeping the blog going. You can check me here, but as of tomorrow morning bye bye Facebook for 40 days.

2011-03-04T03:03:00.001-08:00

Ok. I'm a little freaked out and rightfully so. My safe space was violated yesterday. The kiddo is with her grandmother and tonight it's me... and my vicious dog and rabid cat... and my dead fish. While the perps are just punks and either currently incarcerated or on house arrest, I still feel not as secure as I did. Fuckers. I work hard for what I have and they came in and took it like they were entitled to it...

2011-03-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

So all is well in the Widenham residence again... all except for missing a few hundred dollars and feeling incredibly violated. Yesterday while I was volunteering in Sophia's kindergarten class my house was broken into. The spare key was missing and my side door to the garage which leads right into my house was unlocked. The perpetrators? The neighbor kid (17) and his friend. They only took a couple of things: my old iPhone and my "mad money". Every shift I work I take 20 off the top and throw it in a jar with all the spare change of the day. It had been going for at least a couple of months and now, it's all gone... except for the $61 that the cops returned after the kids 'fessed up.

I'm feeling much better about things today. In fact, I'm feeling really bad for the kid. His home life isn't that great, resulting in the fact that he has a total lack of respect for the adults in the house. His mom, who thinks she's doing the right thing, lets him and his friends blaze up in the backyard with the mentality that "at least she knows he's safe". He's in a Continuation program instead of real school. I understand personal responsibility and it's high time he learns that, but really... it isn't his fault. Still, I will be pressing charges. All is forgiven but at 17 there is still time to learn the hard way. I also want to talk to him... I don't think anyone has in a long time.

2011-02-28T10:33:00.001-08:00

Saw this on a license plate yesterday: In case of rapture, the car is up for grabs. Found myself thinking, "Is this really what it's all about?" I wondered how this represents Christianity to the one who is searching or to one of another tradition. It makes Christians look like the latest get rich scheme or some kind of exclusive club. This scares me.

2011-02-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

The season of Lent is coming. In years past, I've observed it, but somewhere along those 40 days I tend to lose focus. However, reflecting back I realize that it's all just part of the journey. Since the last few months have been marked by a return to faith I'm going to give it a go again.

Want to know what I'm thinking about denying for the 40 days? Facebook. Yup, I said it: Facebook. I've noted before: there are whole days that go by that I don't talk to another adult except for on the internets. But 10 years ago I was fine without social networking. Today I'm online more often than not. It's brought me a little grief, nothing I can't handle, but I think it's time to step back for a bit here, be proactive and maybe get out of my house to talk to another grown up, or maybe to invite people over here.

2011-02-24T08:55:00.000-08:00

Even though I may blather on and on here, I am a person of solitude. Yes, I have 960 something people on my friendslist on Facebook. I'm not sure how to trim that list down or even if I should. It's been fun catching up and I value everyone I've met in my past. I have had many an adventure and I know many people. However, aside from work, church and other commitments on the weekends I tend to spend a lot of time by myself. I've also made the comment before, there are somedays that I go without speaking to another adult except for on Facebook. Although yesterday I didn't post much. I didn't really have anything witty or charming to say. And I still don't.

Maybe it's time to take a "social networking" break...

The whole idea that I have voyeurs that don't know me freaks me out.

Why don't you comment? And I'm talking to those who don't know me... well, I guess those that do too...

Photo Challenge - Day 12

2011-02-23T07:41:00.000-08:00

A picture of something I hate

I don't hate my yard. I just hate the fact that it's going to take a lot to get it back to what it once was. (See yesterday). I guess we could say it's love/hate because I know it's going to be good for me.

2011-02-22T10:09:00.000-08:00

While in the ER I finally got to finish Jay Bakker's book, Fall To Grace. Some quick thoughts:

God's grace is unfathomable.
Grace calls one to challenge one's core belief of what being identified as a Christian is.
Grace compels us to love without finding fault and judgement.
Grace compels us to love with a compassionate heart.
Grace compels me to forgive.
Grace asks me to love in the same way.

I suppose there will be more to come. This is what I have for now. Just wanted to get this out there.

Photo Challenge - Day 11

2011-02-22T10:04:00.000-08:00

A Picture of Something I Love

This was my yard June 15, 2009. I absolutely loved coming out here everyday. This is my goal for this summer. It's going to happen. Time to get some dirt under my nails. Spring is coming!

Photo Challenge - Day 10

2011-02-21T07:35:00.000-08:00

A picture of the person you have been close to the longest.

This is my girl Stacy. We've been buddies since, well, Girl Scouts! Stacy is my BFF to this day. This is a picture of us right after she got her new wheels. We were on our way to Santa Cruz to get out first tattoos. We did some fun stuff back in the day. We still do fun stuff but with 4 kids in tow and usually an SUV to haul everything in. She's awesome. I am blessed.

2011-02-20T21:43:00.001-08:00

I love Rev. Run's tweets. Here's his latest: Hating on others will hold up ur blessings.. Scripture talks about this critical spirit.... Its #wack

Recently I found out that there are people that read my blog who don't know me. They only know about me. They make fun of me when they read it... So I'm told. Wow. That's mean.

Stuff like this makes me come face to face with how ugly I can be to people. I don't want that for my life.

I write what I write because I'm trying to better myself and to help others to do so by being so vulnerable. Here's to loving more. Even the haters.

2011-02-20T21:14:00.000-08:00

While taken sick this weekend I watched the following movies:

Loved this movie. Favorite lines -

We have a whole life to live together you fucker, but it can't start until you call. - Christine
(As me. I can so identify with this).

I don't want to have to do this living. I just walk around. I want to be swept off my feet, you know? I want my children to have magical powers. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it. -Richard

Too Fat for 40. Couldn't find a trailer link. So here's a clip. Funny stuff... but definitely not for everyone.

I will never get tired of this movie. It's time to dig out A Mighty Wind.

Crazy good movie. Wow. Dysfunction at it's finest.

Photo Challenge - Day 9

2011-02-20T11:11:00.000-08:00

I'm hoping this isn't a cop-out, but since I play by my own rules, here you go.

The person that has seen me through the most in my life.

This morning when I was all freaked out about the "coughing up blood" thing, my Mom was the first person I called.

My Mom rocks.

2011-02-20T10:22:00.000-08:00

So this is where the part of being partnerless blows. Do I take myself to the ER or do I wait to see the Dr sometime this week? I got dressed and the last two times that I've coughed, it's been clear. Have I been coughing up blood the last three days and just not noticed it? I only noticed because I actually took a look this morning in the shower. The coughing fits are less and less, fever and aches are gone and I feel surprisingly good today. Although it could of been the good company yesterday that hung out and couched it with me all afternoon and evening. I think I'm going to keep an eye on this a bit more today. Being by myself though, my mind tends to wander... I once thought I had leukemia for a good 5 minutes because I thought there was blood in my urine. Then I remembered I had beets for dinner the night before.

Dangit.

Photo Challenge - Day 8

2011-02-18T08:49:00.000-08:00

A picture that makes you laugh.

Even fairy princesses have to learn how to potty.

This would make her around 2 1/2 here. Maybe a bit older. My, we've been on our own for a while.

2011-02-18T08:34:00.000-08:00

Everybody Matters from The Work Of The People on Vimeo.

In my search for redemption from myself through God, I'm finding one of the byproducts of that is love in the ways of compassion, vulnerability, service... there's more.

I'm learning.

2011-02-18T02:14:00.000-08:00

Ouch, ouch, ouch, and owwwwww! Really?

Here's to the grace of God again. My prayer tonight is that I continually learn how to love as He loves me.

Regardless.

Photo Challenge - Day 7

2011-02-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

A picture of my most treasured item.

Not just any heart. My heart. This one was a hard one. I look around and I have some things that monetarily, they are treasured, but if I were to lose them, sure it would blow, but things are things. Even my iPhone. Yeah, I said it. But my heart, without that I wouldn't live. Physically I need it, so I try to take care of myself. I know that I could be a little better at that. Emotionally, I've been known to be a little reckless and well, we all know where that got me. Spiritually, I took my heart into my own hands and I ran. I'm learning though, and I know I sound like a broken record: You can't run from God. As I was thinking about this post this verse came to mind -

Guard your heart above all else,

for it determines the course of your life.

Proverbs 4:23

2011-02-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

Tonight at The Well, this was one of our focus passages:

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Mark 12: 28-31

Boom. For real.

Our question for the evening: Are we living out our calling? Currently, yes and no. I'm trying though. The more I love, the less room I have for anger. Anger is exhausting and ugly. The more I love, the more I forgive. It goes both ways: forgiving and loving me and forgiving and loving the other.

I don't think I would of come to this on my own 6 years ago had I stayed in my current situation. Like I found in a quote last week: I can't run from God. It's a good thing too, because I couldn't do this on my own.

This song has been speaking tons to me this week. It makes for a nice meditation in the morning.

Photo Challenge-Day 6

2011-02-16T17:21:00.001-08:00

A person you would love to trade places for a day.

So sue me! She's a powerful woman who seems to really know herself. Plus she's loaded.

2011-02-15T21:29:00.000-08:00

Powerful stuff.

I've been thinking a lot about God's transformative power and grace. The grace of God, what I'm finding out to be, is unfathomable. He loves EVERYONE. Regardless of the fact of the mainstream church's view on sexuality is, God loves everyone. Shouldn't we? "Love the sinner, hate the sin". That's a cop out.

I'm coming face to face with some issues that I put off for a bit. Ani DiFranco said, "I got distracted". Lo and behold, the issues are still there. God loves EVERYONE... even the people that hung him out on a cross in the past and presently. Still he loves. Shouldn't I?

Photo Challenge - Day 5

2011-02-15T20:10:00.000-08:00

A Picture of My Favorite Memory

Miss Grace is brand new here. She's my greatest accomplishment by far.

The memories came flooding back with the viewing of this photo. It is what it is. Thank God for grace, peace, His love, acceptance, therapy, peace, love.

I really hope to have a moment like this again one day. It's only human, yes?

I said peace twice didn't I? Peace is probably one of my main themes as of late.

2011-02-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

I took pictures of my day at work.

Wanna see what I do on Mondays?

Sadly, Iron Bird was closed due to a computer malfunction. I look so forward to my Mondays at the Iron Bird. Cafe Corazon doesn't open until 10 either. The two places with amazing coffee in Fresno were closed so Revue's Costco coffee it was. I didn't get to read my book, however as a former employee of way back yonder (like 12 years ago) I had the opportunity for a bit with the same people that still hang there every morning since I was pouring their cheap ass coffee. Other than Charlie shaving his facial hair off and NOT smoking two packs a day for the past two years not much has changed. The Revue is constant. That's what they have going for them. Then I was off to work...

It's Valentine's Day as we all know. A busy day for restaurants.

I donned my pretty red flower from Maria at the gym to be festive and to fight the bitterness. I found my cynicism to be funny. I hope everyone else did.

I posted this on Facebook: a martini composed of water and an olive intended to entice the celebratory romantic folk or the lonely heart in need of an ear.

The soup of the day: Creamy Tomato Basil Bisque with Parmesan Toasts. This photo does not do it justice. In fact, it's looks nasty here. However, and some would beg to differ, it was delicious.

The world's most awesome neighbors read my my FB post and wanted soup. A little self affirmation never hurt anyone. I kind of felt like Ross Geller after this one.

My first Valentine of the day. Not really. Bill didn't remember it was Valentines Day. He just brings me eggs from his chickens when he remembers. Always a treat. Unfortunately, Minnie the Kitty knocked these off the dining room table tonight. Only four remain.

Mr. Trayler. Giver of the eggs, cross word lover, current drink: vodka on the rocks, olive or a twist, my choice.

Hot Buttered Kracken. Delicious. I made 5 of these today.

Then the Valentines started rolling in.

Flowers from Stephan.

Chocolates from Larry and Denise.

Larry and Denise. I LOVE them.

Hearts from Jonathan the Southern Rep. This man is renting out a movie theatre to propose to his lady. Wow.

Then it was time for ordering.

That would be Three Olives new flavor "Dude". I'm not feeling it, but I did pick up a bottle for the bar. We'll see. Sampling is definitely a perk of Mondays.

And one more Valentine. Good question. Can I be both?

Day is done.

Photo Challenge - Day 4

2011-02-14T20:29:00.000-08:00

A picture of my night.

I missed it. What I should of taken a picture of was Minnie the kitty eating the flowers I received from Steph for Valentines Day after knocking the farm fresh eggs that I received from Bill Trayler, off the table. Freaking cat. Instead I grumbled some mild obsenities and cleaned it up. Again. Freaking cat. Still, I love her so.

So here's your picture of my night.

Story time with Miss Grace. Once a week we take a trip to the library to pick out our nightly reading material. I try to pick out the Caldecott Winners and all the old ones like Stone Soup and stuff that I read as a child. We even read Willie Wonka a while back. My Creature Teacher is Sophia's choice. This has got to be one of my most, if not my most favorite time of the day.

2011-02-13T19:13:00.000-08:00

We all got problems.

Sometimes though, it's hard to see when I walk into church and focus on what I only think I see: happy, happy, happy (yes, a third one) people with no problems.

This week I took the dive into my first Bible Study in YEARS. Like I'm talking 12 years maybe. And not only that, it's a Bible Study for other Single Moms.
Yup. I'm her. And that would be me. Surprisingly, I might add, nobody else was wearing a scarlet letter which I think I wear at times.

This afternoon I met other girls just like me: girls that love God who are in the thick of it.

When I got to the apartment of the girl who leads it, I sat in my car for a few minutes psyching myself up to go in. I almost left because honestly, it's easier to hole myself up in my house, in my room, in my huge comfy bed with the covers pulled up over my head (sans Miss Grace who is with her Dad) waiting for Monday to roll around. But I didn't. I went in and I met 5 other girls who are in different places in their lives but just like me. I'm so happy that I didn't chicken out either.

We're going through a study on Jonah, A Life Interrupted. Here was a man who was asked by God to do something who chose to not do it. Instead, he ran. Jonah's life was interrupted. It was rather uncomfortable for him to obey, so he didn't, and we all know what happened. In the end he wound up obeying but only after having to learn the harder lesson.

We were asked, "How has your life been interrupted lately?" Lordy. My life has been interrupted for sure! However, I'm not going to go into that. I still struggle with wanting to lay it all out here, but here is not the place. That's what I have Angie for on Tuesday mornings. The author of the study made a good point, "A life interrupted is not a negative interruption, it's a divine intervention". When I think about it in the terms of it being an intervention I'm reminded of that show "Intervention". The addict is at rock bottom, surrounded by loved ones that want nothing else but for that person to get healthy. This completely puts a different spin on events past. God gave me a bottom line. My life was determined from the beginning. However, some years ago I decided that I would do whatever it was that I wanted to do. Yeah. That hasn't worked out so well. Slowly but surely I find myself on the right path again. It's been a rocky route to get back to right here. Whatever though. I'm happy.

Photo Challenge - Day 3

2011-02-13T10:39:00.000-08:00

A picture of the cast from my favorite show.

Modern Family. This sitcom has me chuckling from start to finish. Thank goodness for Hulu and my DVR otherwise I would be missing on the hilarity.

2011-02-12T15:49:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the ballet with Miss Grace, Marisa and her nephew Brian.

On my way home I stopped to take a picture of the Sierras with my Pano App on my phone. It does not do it justice... AT ALL.

If you haven't done it yet, drive out to the edge of Fresno and/or Clovis and check the beautiful mountain range out. It's not going to be clear like this in a couple of months. What a beautiful day!

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 2

2011-02-12T10:21:00.000-08:00

A picture of someone I miss.

This is me in 1994. That would make me 19. Of course I miss all the other people in the photo, but with a couple of them, it's nothing that the magic of FaceBook can't fix. Who I miss is my 19 year old self. She was unjaded, idealistic, full of hope...

Oh my God. What am I saying?

No. I take this back. I don't miss my 19 year old self. I was naive. I think I just miss that time in my life. There was a lot of innocence in that picture. We were at an Audio Adrenaline concert ready to rock out for Jesus. Sure. It was a great time, but I was unjaded and idealistic. Where did my idealism get my 36 year old self? Feeling sorry for myself. That's where it got me. But that's changing though. I'm not exactly where I thought I would be at 36: married, kids, career, "perfect life" (whatever that's supposed to be). That's totally what I thought I was going to have. I'm not kidding you! If anything I'm learning to be less idealistic and to really trust God. Married, kids, career: "the perfect life" does not equal happiness or mean that I have finally "made it". Again, I have no idea what "made it" means anymore. The truth is, I'm happy right now. Yes, I've said it before, it's less than ideal circumstances, but God's hand of providence and sustenance is in it all. I wouldn't be who I am now without the trips I've taken, the mistakes I've made, the jobs I have had, the people I have lived with, the heartache I've experienced. It's made me who I am today. So no. I don't miss 19 year old Miriam.

While working on this post this song came up on my playlist. Originally it's Sheryl Crow, but this guy redid it and occasionally it's played on the radio. Seemed to fit with the post.

Alrighty. So I don't think I met today's challenge. Who do I miss?

Still working through this one.

2011-02-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

Pho Fridays with Miss Grace

What I should of done was taken a picture of the "No camera or cell phone pictures of our food or menus" sign. I'm currently amassing my collection of forbidden photos. I'm a rule breaker.

Miss Grace with her Mini-Mango Smoothie.

Thai Basil and Mung Bean Sprouts

Love in a bowl.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 1

2011-02-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

This is me at my computer located so conveniently in my kitchen.

10 Facts

1. A Presbyterian Cocktail always gets a twist. I am a stickler about this.

2. Cats sleep from 16 to 18 hours a day. I average about 5 1/2. A snail can sleep for 3 years. Impressive.

3. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. Grody.

4. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. We should all seek out talk therapy.

5. I am a damn good cook... most of the time.

6. The science of kissing is called philematology. "I believe in science". - Esqueleto from Nacho Libre.

7. Left-Handed people die sooner than right handed people. On average, right-handed people live nine years longer than left-handed people. I am a righty.

8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

9. In the movie "Toy Story", the carpet designs in Sid's hallway is the same as the carpet designs in "The Shining." Creepy!

10. My name is Miriam and I am addicted to Pho.

30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-02-10T11:24:00.001-08:00

The 30-Day Photo Challenge guidelines:

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts
Day 02 - A picture of someone you miss.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04 - A picture of your night
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory
...Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of yourself taken today

2011-02-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight at The Well we began our new series on Jonah. The speaker was laying the foundation for the study and there was a whole lot of history in the message. Admittedly, he kind of lost me for a few moments there. I'm excited about it though. Here's a person who ran from God... much like myself. Except I didn't get swallowed by a big fish. I got swallowed up by my SELF. While looking for background information on Jonah I came across this quote tonight from a child:

Whether it's three hours in your room or three days in the belly of a fish, the lesson is the same, says Patrick: "You should never run away from God."

I'm going to remember this one.

So tonight I prayed for healing and peace. While I know I'm well on my way, I don't think I have blatantly just asked for healing. I know there are steps that I need to be taking, i.e. loving myself a bit more through taking care of me spiritually, physically, and emotionally, I think I just needed some affirmation that I'm doing just that. I think that's it. Anyway, during worship while singing the Desert Song they flashed a verse up on the screen. Isaiah 54:17.   Good to know. But it's not like I feel like I'm "at war". It's more like a battle of the self. After church Miss Grace and I swung by China To Go to pick up some Woh Wonton Soup. While we waited she played on my phone so I whipped out the Good Book to reflect on the verse again. Instead I read on. Isaiah 55 rocks. There was my answer.

2 "Listen to me, and you will eat what is good"

Ohhhh, that's right!!

3 “Come to me with your ears wide open.
   Listen, and you will find life.
   I will make an everlasting covenant with you.
   I will give you all the unfailing love I promised to David.

Life isn't passing me by, it's here right now.

8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
   “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so my ways are higher than your ways
   and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

So He is in control. That's it really. I get so wrapped up in how things haven't gone necessarily as planned, but my plans will always fail if God isn't in them. For a long time, a long time - God wasn't in my plans. So why all the hurt and resentment? I'm human. I'm also a child of God who has been saved through Grace. It's time to start extending that same grace to others.

I like the promise in 12 and 13 especially (vs. 10-13):

10 “The rain and snow come down from the heavens
   and stay on the ground to water the earth.
   They cause the grain to grow,
   producing seed for the farmer
   and bread for the hungry.
11 It is the same with my word.
   I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
   It will accomplish all I want it to,
   and it will prosper everywhere I send it.
12 You will live in joy and peace.
   The mountains and hills will burst into song,
   and the trees of the field will clap their hands!
13 Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.
   Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up.
   These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name;
   they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”

He promised.

2011-02-08T21:34:00.001-08:00

My friend Kerry posted this to her profile tonight. It's a strong and beautiful statement. That's all I got. For now. This picture speaks for itself.

2011-02-08T09:33:00.001-08:00

"But those who trust in the Lord will find NEW strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

I love talk therapy. I've been at it for 5 months now. Every Tuesday is just a friendly reminder that I am on the right path. It's not Bible based or faith based by any means, but I'm remembering to be how I was created to be. I deviated from my path, which was not necessarily a bad thing because I have my "horn throwing" ballerina. But I'm seeing that any path I would have chosen would have led me back to the place where I need to be... right here. God is good.

From a "Goddess" card on my fridge:

Your body knows that all thing have their seasons. The spirit has it's season too - Spring for rebirth, Summer for exploration and growth, Autumn for harvesting, and Winter for introspection.

Live in the season today.

My season now? Motherhood. It took me awhile to grow into this role. I was never really the maternal type. I mean, I liked babies and children, but it's not like if I was at a party, I would wind up playing with them. I have friends who will come over and actually want to play with Sophia. That wasn't me. However, it's been process since she was born, but I finally feel... connected. And I'm not so sure if that's the word. There was an instant bond when she was born, and everyday since then, I fall more and more in love with her. This morning during our morning snuggle, she told me, "Mom, you love me too much". I told her that I didn't think it was possible.

For a long time I thought Motherhood also meant "partnerhood". It doesn't. It's less than an ideal situation. Regardless of that, I feel like I'm living my calling. Accepting that day by day makes my place as Miss Grace's Mom center in on who I should be in her life. It's good. I adore this season. I feel like it's Spring already.

2011-02-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

What the heck? This heartache poop is just that: poop. It comes and it goes. Today it kind of came, but only because I was feeling sorry for myself which happens when I'm not being conscious of where my thoughts are going. I remembered a part of a verse learned long ago, "take every thought captive". When I got home, I looked it up. Here it is:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
- 1 Corinthians 10:3-6

The knowledge of God is love. When I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm playing the victim and I lose out on what I think He is wanting me to learn. I don't think those people set out to hurt me. But when I lash out to hurt back or I replay ugly situations in my head, I'm missing the point of the lesson: The knowledge of God is love.

My friend Chris is doing (has done?) a series of videos for Alter Video Magazine. Here you go:

Woundable from The Work Of The People on Vimeo.

I don't want to lose that gift of vulnerability by hardening myself when betrayal happens. Some things that stood out to me: When we don't love ourselves well, we don't love each other well... love loves. Shalom is reconciling all things back to God... The tragic failures of our past are the redemptive building blocks of our future... The risk is the gift...

While these are hard lessons, I am grateful to them and for the aspects of healing behind them.

2011-02-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

I woke up with this song in my head.

I love it when that happens. Again, I apologize for the hokey video. The lyrics are awesome. It's kind of like a call to worship... which I should try to walk in today. Well, everyday.

2011-02-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

What I want to do today: The 11 at The Well. Coffee and a book at the Iron Bird. Drive to Cambria and then North on the PCH through Big Sur. Walk at the Bluffs. Hawaiian Poke Tower of Ahi and a glass of Pinot Grigio at Pismo's. Flip through books with tea at Barnes and Noble. Ready my yard for Spring. Bake. Super Bowl party and after party boogying down at The Landmark with friends.

What I will most likely be doing today: Studying for the Math portion of the CSET for the most part. The sucker is approaching at warp speed - March 12 at 7 (freaking) AM! Maybe I'll do this at The Iron Bird, but my safer bet would be the library at FSU where I can camp out in a second floor cubby.

My dilemma: I have something delicious in the slow cooker. I also purchased the fixins' for Cole Slaw at Vons yesterday. I made these for the gathering, but yesterday I was blessed with the presence of my lovely because her father had to work. It's impossible to study while entertaining a 5 year old. Carnitas and whatever else I can do with 4 lbs of pork butt for the rest of the week!

The update: I was just texted by The Baby Daddy and Miss Grace is coming home earlier than expected. Impromptu family friendly Super Bowl gathering at my house? After all, I do have a huge TV quite fitting for all those awesome commercials AND for the half time show which is why the Super Bowl is the only game I watch all season long.

Yaaaaaay! Miss Grace is coming home early! On one hand, it is more than a blessing to be able to sleep in and to putter around the next morning in silence after a closing shift at work. On the other hand, I'm a Mom. I feel as if a piece of my heart is missing when she's not around. While this weekend we didn't go more than 24 hours without seeing each other, it's still this empty feeling when she's not around. So again. Yaaaaay! Miss Grace is coming home early.

Randomness This Morning

2011-02-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

Many moons ago this was a meditation song I would listen to. Freaking Valentines Day is approaching quickly. But really. Praise our God. For He IS GOOD. I'm thankful for His hand of providence in my life and that He sees through the heartache and pain. All is silenced and dwarfed when I think of how GOOD He is.

But that's not to say it still creeps up.

- This morning I woke up with the words "Be gentle with yourself" running through my mind. Then I came across a lovely and very fitting quote from Jen D on Facebook -

"Be gentle with yourself. Kiss away your (imagined) faults and remember, if you saw you as God sees you, you would smile a lot."~ Neale Donald Walsch

- Kristina S. posted this article from NPR this AM. This is for all my LGBT friends out there. I love the pictures.

- Last night I was called a "Sexy older woman" by a young lad. I think he was trying to engage in friendly banter with the bartender but he only dug his hole deeper when he also threw out the word "mature". I thought the whole thing to be rather flattering... and not.

- For the Super Bowl Party this year I plan on making Pulled Pork with a Mop Sauce and maybe some Coleslaw to go along with that. I was inspired by the pork butts in my freezer but even more so by the Dusty Bun Alana S. blessed me with last night. Dusty Buns is Fresno's answer to San Francisco's gourmet "Taco Trucks". I still have yet to stand in line when they set up shop because of conflicting time schedules, so I was more than grateful when my friend brought me dinner last night. It was delightful and delicious.

- I have a hankerin' for Pho today.

That's all for now...

2011-02-03T17:48:00.001-08:00

Did anyone catch the sunset tonight? The sun was a brilliant orange but I was driving too fast to catch it. I suppose there are some things only meant to be savored in the moment.

2011-02-03T12:37:00.000-08:00

My kid has been throwing out the horns. I asked her how lunch was and she did this:

The young hip mom in me thinks it's hilarious. I think I noticed it sometime last week at church or some other inappropriate venue when Miss Grace was presented with something she was excited about. It caught me by surprise but I chuckled a bit when she did it. Then the paranoid conservative mama in me steps out because it was at school or at church or some place like that. That's the part where I'm afraid people are going to judge me. But I guess that shouldn't matter should it? I'm a good Mom. This is funny.

2011-02-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

One, two,
Whatever you do,
Start it well,
And carry it through.
Try, try, never say die.
Things will come right,
You know, by and by.

From The Neighborhood Mother Goose by Nina Crews

While reading this book to Sophia tonight, I had to repeat this rhyme a couple of times.

Good to know.

2011-02-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

Last night my friend Rachel was throwing a little Tracy Chapman out there on Facebook. It makes me think of this song -

This morning the Therapy Lady and I were discussing letting go of the "Victim" role. Sure. A lot of hurtful things have taken place and it's important to experience the pain that goes along with everything. But there also comes a time to move on in order that healing takes place. I'm working on making that time come for me. It's easy to place the blame on the other parties, but really, I know those feelings are coming from within. In the end, all that I have is my soul right? The Therapy Lady shared a verse that her church has been focusing on:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 (NIV)

If my soul isn't right with God, than who am I? I've been blessed in so many ways: Sophia, my home, my car, my education, my friends, my family, my job. Today I choose to focus on those things and to remember that God wants the good things for my life and that the not so good things that have gone on are just lessons to be learned so that I can live my life the way He intended it. Here's a blessing: I don't think I was this focused 5 years ago. A lot went on to get me here. So be it then.

Miss Joey (fellow single mama) had encouraging words for me the other day, "being a mom means you build this weird coat of armor around you and your girl and you make your own rules and you're in it together". When I think of armor, I think of the metal like the Knights of the Round Table. If I'm hit hard, I may go down and suffer some pain, but it's metal. I'll get back up again. We can bang out the dents. Metal tarnishes, but polishes right back up... more to come on this...

Valentine's Day already? Originally I had started this with a "Valentine's Day, Bah Humbug!" sort of a post. But hello Debbie Downer. Typically I work it, but this year it's a Monday so I'm on the day shift. Maybe I'll do something special with Miss Grace that night. I'll consult Heather's blog for sure. This girl always has something up her sleeve.

Lots on the agenda today:

- the gym
- laundry
- house cleaning
- ballet and tap for Miss Grace
- tacos, mexican rice, and frioles on the menu for dinner
- studying
- taxes (yahoo!)
- and vegging for the last 30 minutes before it's time to retrieve the kiddo from kindergarten

The sun is out. It's going to be a beautiful day.

2011-01-30T22:01:00.000-08:00

And 36 is here.

I would say my birthday was well spent: shopping in the AM, napping in the afternoon, dinner out to Sushi with good friends and home by 11. It was a day of introspection for sure. There were many options for late night shenanigans, but late night shenanigans is what I do for a living so I was home, sober, and tucked away with a good book at a decent hour.

35 saw:

- My 9th year at The Landmark. Yes. 9 years! I've made some good friends and in the bossladies I've found an extended family with lots of love and support. I love my job, but with the impending CSET coming up on March 11 there is definitely something new on the horizon. I love my job, I do. But it feels good to know that I'm finally working toward my goal that I set out so long ago to do.

- The end of a relationship. I'm still reeling a bit from this one. However. Here's to falling in love with myself again and not settling with someone who will love me or themselves less than that.

- Therapy. I'm learning tons about myself right now. And part of learning about myself is accepting that I'm angry but still a good person. I'm learning how to love others by first loving me. I'm learning what it means to forgive and to let go. It's a painful process but will be so worth it in the end. I deserve it. Miss Grace deserves it.

- A return to my faith. I can't believe I ran for so long. I'm back now, but with a twist.

What would I like to see by 37?

Half-Dome climbed all the way to the top
A healthy lifestyle
My garden revived
The CSET passed
A credential program started
Healing

I think I should be adding more to this list...

Suggestions?

2011-01-26T07:35:00.000-08:00

I woke up thinking about this song. Well kind of. Instead of waking on my own this morning Miss Grace hopped in bed with me at 6:15 with the sleep completely gone from her voice wanting to discuss the whereabouts of her book that's due in class today. I wasn't happy. I made her go back to her bed for a bit and wound up cuddling with her until she drifted off. I just wanted a few minutes to gather myself, maybe read or at least pray. Wednesday, from the time the kiddo wakes up in the morning until she goes to bed in the evening, with the exception of the service at The Well, we spend every last minute together. (I should really put the gym back in there... that's another hour or so...) I managed to get my few minutes in of reading, praying and all and I came across this:

²⁵What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body we're all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.
^26-27Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.
²⁸Did you use to make ends meet by stealing? Well, no more! Get an honest job so that you can help others who can't work.
²⁹Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.
³⁰Don't grieve God. Don't break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted.
^31-32Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. ^1-2Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. (Ephesians 4:25-5:2, The Message)

Go ahead and be angry... but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry... Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk... Be gentle with one another, sensitive... Keep company with him and learn a life of love... Love like that.

Love like that. 'Nuff said.

2011-01-24T21:42:00.001-08:00

Next, the matter of my birthday:

Yeah, yeah. So 35 going on 36 year old Miriam still LOVES this part of Sixteen Candles. My birthday is Saturday and yes, this IS still a fantasy of mine, although now 16 seems like eons ago and I would most likely be put in jail if I were to seduce a Jake Ryan type at my age. Not that I would or anything...

Anyhoo. My birthday is Saturday. Years ago, when I was in college and had roommates and an immediate social circle, birthdays were a given. It's not like that anymore. So I'm putting this out there in the blogosphere. This is what I want for my birthday:

A date. Male or female. Someone who wants to be my escort to and from my humble abode in Clovisville so that I don't wind up with a DUI that evening. Not that I want to "tie one on". I just want to make wise decisions. If you should want to kiss me over a flaming birthday cake with the Thompson Twins playing in the background while sitting on my dining room table, we could do that too.

Dinner at Waasabi in Fig Garden. Who? All of you my dear friends! That is where I want to go. And if you are ALL available, I want you to join me. No really! I would love to get a table full of sushi and sake lovers for great conversation and good times. Let me know here or in FB land by Friday so I can call Waasabi.

And that's it. Good company and conversation to ring in my 36th. You in?

2011-01-24T20:55:00.000-08:00

This is the result of Session #3 yesterday. I had planned on taking a picture there, but really, the whole experience was rather overwhelming and I glazed over the fact that I had wanted it documented. All together, minus the Lotus (which was done in 2001) this project has taken about 4 1/2 hours now. The first 3 1/2 weren't so bad. Sure. Tattoos hurt. They aren't like kitten kisses but they certainly are bearable and somewhat releasing. The pain, in and of itself is a workout. In the end, I feel accomplished... fulfilled... learned... This time though - I just wanted Jason to stop. I'm going to say it: It was near to excruciating. Childbirth is excruciating. This was near to it. Every time he scraped the ink in and lifted to re-ink, it was like a contraction: pain, and then a gathering of the self, and then some more pain. I had come into that session with some things on my mind: none that I should rehash here. Jason said I need to get my "shit straight" before I came back in on Feb. 20. He is so right. People break up. We learn from it. Hearts get broken. We learn from it. Life doesn't go our way. We learn from it. We become single parents. We learn from it. Even in the fog as I was driving to work this morning I was thinking about how daily it's a choice to be happy or to hold on to the hurt. I know I've been holding on to the hurt and how it seems to manifest itself physically: said fibroid (affecting my sanity) thus resulting in the gallbladder attacks and a very painful tattoo session. Going on 36, I'm too young to be starting with the breaking down of the physical self. I'll be damned if I let my personal life eat away at my physical body. Here's where I choose to be stronger and take those steps to get there, OR I choose to wallow. Wallowing is easy. I allowed myself to do it this weekend because I could finally do it: I pulled the covers over my head Saturday and Sunday and stayed until I had to get out.

Did it do me good?
Nope.
Tomorrow, and not just because Miss Grace is home, will be different.

2011-01-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

Could you imagine if the table were turned and God forgave like humans? Held grudges? Refused to see where you might be coming from? Where would we be?

I just saw the end of something I thought was going to be forever.
(I need to love myself more than that).

I'm finding out only one thing lasts forever.
(Thank you Jesus for you. Don't knock him until you give him an honest shot and respect those that do).

I really hope this is the last time I have to learn that.
(I really do).

I'm taking Miss Grace out to enjoy this sunshine with a surprise picnic after school.
(We both deserve it).

2011-01-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

According to my Facebook astrology chart today my mood is "humble". Humble has been more like the prevailing mood theme of the week. Tonight is Thursday - my Monday and a week since... and a week full of:

heartbreak
humility
new growth
forgiveness
new beginnings
remorse
sadness
moving forward
sickness
health
long walks
reassuring joy
grace
suffering
tears
laughter
self love
peace
anger
new books
focus
distance
long drives
podcasts
baby cuddling
encouraging conversations
coffee

2011-01-18T11:15:00.000-08:00

'So without love, benevolence becomes egotism, and martyrdom becomes spiritual pride' - MLK

'Love is somehow the key that unlocks the door which leads to ultimate reality' - MLK

'I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.'- MLK

'Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction ... The chain reaction of evil -- hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.'
-Strength To Love, 1963.

I don't know about you, but I seem to have reoccurring themes or rather lessons that pop up whether it be through media, conversations, church, or what have you. Yesterday, the theme was LOVE. And rightfully so, it was Martin Luther King Day. He wasn't much older than me when he died, yet he seemed to have life's major theme pretty figured out. The above quotes are all quotes that stood out to me on Twitter and Facebook throughout my day. Especially this one -

‎'The only normalcy we will settle for is the normalcy that recognizes the dignity and worth of all God's children' - MLK

In my search for redemption and forgiveness from myself and others, I'm realizing that had I come from the place of love, I wouldn't be feeling so crappy about the way thing have gone, whether it be recent events or events past. I won't be rehashing the way "things have gone" here because I wouldn't be moving forward. Rehashing manifests bitterness and anger, which albeit valid feelings, they are unhealthy not beneficial to keep around. But I will say this, as a child of God and a citizen of this earth, it's my job to love everybody, even those who have hurt me, whether it be intentional or unintentional. Everybody deserves respect. We are ALL God's children. Everyone has worth... those that hurt me and those that I hurt. Currently I'm in the middle of Crazy Love by Francis Chan. He quotes:

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends... faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love".
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13 (ESV)

In the book he challenges us to replace "love" with our name. So... Miriam is patient and kind; Miriam does not envy or boast; she is not arrogant or rude... Oh man. I'm workin' on it. A bit more diligently these days... and it's good.

And now on to the rest of my day.

Love and light everyone, love and light.

2011-01-16T10:34:00.001-08:00

"So this morning...I say to you: I love you. I would rather die than hate you." - Martin Luther King Jr.

As tweeted by my friend Carlos. Pow! Right in the kisser. There is NO place for such hatred and bitterness in my life.

2011-01-16T08:10:00.000-08:00

On Friday upon picking Miss Grace up from school I was immediately notified of an infraction she had committed: talking and yelling during Play-Doh and then refusing to clean up the Play-Doh. As soon as Mrs. Petersen told me Miss Grace burst out with the tears. The rare kind: the truly remorseful kind. We talked about it and I loved on her a bit as we walked home chit chatting about things 5 year olds love to talk about. After we walked in the door Sophia was really intent on sharing the fact that she's getting an award next Friday. My 5 year old was trying to distract me. I praised her, then instructed her to the hallway.

Red faces on the Behavior Chart are an automatic time out. Again with the tears, but she dutifully walked over to her spot and planted herself down.

Things got a bit ugly the other night. I'm not going to go into detail, but I will say this: I embarrassed myself and a very dear person in my life. I let my anger out in the most inappropriate way. I learned a lot from this: I am a prideful angry mess. And now as with the other "sin" in my life, I am reaping the consequences of my actions. And oh, are there consequences. I embarrassed myself. I jeopardized my integrity. I lost money. I destroyed a friendship. When will I ever learn? Well, hopefully this time.

Part of the consequences I had to face was a mini-vacation this weekend. Although it was much needed, it had to be done on a shoestring because I didn't budget for it. Friday night I committed some serious acts of sushi with two girls I had been wanting to hang with for a while. We had great conversation and I was loved despite my actions the previous night. I was reminded that I am human and that we women are emotional creatures. It ended at a decent hour when I decided that the bandless drummer was only adding to the pounding in my head. The next day, yesterday, I took myself to San Francisco with a stop off in Benecia to pay a visit to childhood friends and to do a little baby cuddling. Feeling sorry for yourself? Go cuddle a baby and then drive to the beach, which is what I did next. The sun came out somewhere over the bay bridge and I followed it to Ocean Beach right below the cliff house. It was a beautiful day at the beach.

See?

As soon as I saw it I began to cry. Here in the Valley sun is a rarity in the winter time. I knew I missed it, but I didn't realize how much until I saw this. The mix of the sun, the negative ions of the ocean air, and the vastness of the sea brought about perspective and clarity. Like Miss Grace and her red face on the behavior chart I still have to face the consequences of my actions even if I'm truly remorseful. There is no distracting God, because He is intent on having me learn from actions, whether it be the other night or the past several years. As much as it may hurt, I'm down for it. In the last few days I keep coming across this scripture through songs I hear, conversations, and even things I'm reading:

...and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

-Isaiah 61:3

I know that through the fire of testing and my ugly actions, I am being refined. And from those ashes, comes beauty and that joy can even be found in the sadness of circumstance. If anything this just sheds light on how great God's grace is for us.

Today is a brand new day.

2011-01-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

I will wait for you to move

For your mighty hand to save

When the trouble waters rise

You are my hiding place

From My Deliverer by Chris Tomlin

2011-01-12T06:47:00.001-08:00

Sophia is up. I can hear her talking and singing to herself across the hall waiting patiently for me to begin my day. I really wanted to try and get a little "mommy time" in before she got up. Nope. Not gonna happen today.

I'm blogging from my iPhone then. Yesterday I was reminded that if there's a funk and I'm it - then I'm the only one that's going to pull myself out of it. As much as I want someone to hold my hand, I don't NEED someone to hold my hand. Again, I can choose to wallow in self-pity and in self-doubt, or I can move on and count my blessings. After visiting a dear friend in the hospital yesterday I realized that I have already hit my bottom and I'm in the process of clawing my way back out. When I was in JR High I went to the Moaning Caverns. It's this cave that goes so far down that when they turn out the lights, all you see is a pinprick of light at the top. Last night at the end of my day I noticed that the pinprick wasn't so tiny anymore. In fact it's the light at the end of tunnel that is clearly attainable... On my own. I'm choosing not to make the same mistake over and over and over and over again. God gave me a life in which to honor Him with it. On January 29th I'll be closer to 40 than I am to 30. It's time to stop having to relearn the same lesson and to learn something new. Today is a brand new day.

It's Rugrat Wednesday. We're making snow cones today and Sophia couldn't be more excited. Midweek at The Well, North Campus too. I'll save you a seat. In between that I'll be taking down Christmas and scrubbing down the bathrooms, marinating some chicken, calling Medi-Cal to find out why I only have emergency, the gym and registering my ballerina for ballet lessons... all while studying my new stack of index cards of linguistic and grammar terms that only might be on the CSET. I have a good life, and I'm excited about it.

2011-01-11T06:59:00.000-08:00

^5-12 Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
   don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
   he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
   Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
   your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
   give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
   your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
   don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
   a father's delight is behind all this. (Proverbs 3:7-8, The Message)

My focus has been a bit off lately. Not at all how I wanted things to go, but like I wrote previously what I heard in church this past Sunday, "You cannot be passionately committed to Christ and be passionately committed to the self". Seems like when my focus is off, everything falls apart. So while last night was literally tossing and turning for what seemed like all night, well, it doesn't have to be that way. I push and push and push for the way I want things when really, they may not be right for me in the end. No, not just may be, but absolutely wrong for me. I know I wasn't up all night, but I do know I got little sleep. At one point I did ask God that he would wake me early enough so I could begin my day peacefully. I was up at 5:30. The above passage is what I came across.

2011-01-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

Be GENTLE with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
- Max Ehrmann

As a child of the universe, I know I'm a child of God. The quote makes me think of Matthew 6:25-34.

I haven't been very gentle with myself for a while. I'm thinking a long while at that. However, I can choose to wallow and continue to the same pattern or I can change. I was changing for awhile, but I think I had a minor slip up recently. Today, being Sunday I went to church for a little soul nurturing. I came away with this: You cannot be passionately committed to Christ and to be passionately committed to self. I know this. I walked away today thinking something has got to give.

Today was a day for a little soul nurturing.

Studying for the CSET. Index cards and all. I haven't been so serious about it, clearly shown by the fact that I waited until the last minute to sign up for the test thus missing the Jan 8 test date. However I'm on track for March 11 - nine weeks and counting.
A new self-help book from one of my favorite people. I am the queen of self-help books.
Visiting with a friend in the hospital. My heart is sad. I hope she gets better soon. I came away thinking about the above quote and again, how gentle and good we need to be with ourselves. So...
I made Chao Ga while waiting for Miss Grace to arrive home. I'm admitting it now. I is sick one.

Time to curl up with some Thera-flu, my animals and SARK.

2011-01-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

The girls are coming over. I took the night off at the last minute thanks to my old compadre behind the bar - Keith who needed some cashola. Perfect for me and perfect for him. Tonight I'll be staying in: scrapbooking, watching Dinner With Schmucks, and wining and dining with my gal pals. Montalcino Chicken and Figs with Buttered Gnocchi is on the menu. I make this on occasion thinking the next time it will be be better. Doesn't it look delicious? And it does get better, but I don't know. It's missing something. So here I go again.

What else:

I'm looking so forward to church in the morning. 9AM at The Well, Clovis. I'll save you a seat.
Still haven't taken the Christmas tree down. I seriously laid in bed until 1 watching trashy TV. It's what I do this time of the year. So sue me.
Girly issues are getting better thanks to "The Pill". However, I'm afraid it's going to fuck with my psyche. Please let me know if it does. We ladies are usually unaware of this until after the fact. Thanks.
Studying for the CSET tomorrow. Managed to do a little today. It's a bit overwhelming. Thanks Nikki for the resources!

Is that an engine I hear?

David Crowder*Band - How He Loves

2011-01-05T19:59:00.000-08:00

Honestly. Today was a hard one. I finally made it into the Doctor only to find out that my original Doctor that I was assigned to by Medi-Cal doesn't accept Medi-Cal anymore. Turns out not a lot of Physicians do anymore within the last couple of years. So I found myself in the ER at Clovis Community which was probably better than going to a Doctor's office who would have had to refer me out for blood work and an ultrasound, which was all down in one fell swoop at Community. The prognosis: I'm going to live!! Seriously folks. I've been in a lot of pain between the gall bladder and the woman parts. I have a fibroid in said woman parts which is a benign tumor. I was sent away with birth control to regulate the hormones and pain meds. So, nothing that's life threatening. Good to know. As far as the side pain in concerned, I'm going to have to find a Doctor to deal with that too. But I've been doing a lot of reading on my own and it seems like I should probably start watching what I eat a little bit more and maybe this "pain" might be controlable. Both of these issue are brought on by not eating right. So. Hello WW - old buddy, old pal.

This is has been a favorite of mine ever since I first heard it. The lyrics are absolutely beautiful and remind me of how much more Jesus will love me more than anyone can. Today's experience was my first major ordeal that I had to go through without somebody holding my hand and caring for me. My mother was prepping for her own surgery, which is tomorrow. She's having a procedure done which requires a hospital stay and well, that's it. That's who I have. But I'm a grown up right? And grown ups deal with this as grown ups do. On my way to the ER I heard this song on the radio. I worry so much about having no one. But I do. My ultimate love is Jesus. He's never failed me. I just need reminders of that, and this song was that one today. I'll leave you with the lyrics:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh

Oh how He loves us,

How He loves us all

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,

Oh how He loves us,

How He loves us all

He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,

When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

2011-01-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

True confession time: I missed my date to register for the CSET. All this time I've been counting down to the Jan. 8 test date like it's doomsday. And I miss it. Typical, a day late and a dollar short. I thought I had up until midnight yesterday and when I sat down to do it at 5, registration had closed. I still registered for the next test date to get it out of the way. March 11 I'll be taking the Math and Science portion of the test. No more being a day late or a dollar short. This whole CSET thing has been quite the ordeal. Since Sophia was a baby I've been meaning to take it, but I swear to you: there's been a mental block of sorts. A lot of it is fear. I haven't taken a test like this in years. Years meaning a decade. I looked up my CBEST score and it was waaaaay back in 2001. Another reason that I put this off is that I wanted to be at home with Miss Grace during her toddler years and preschool. I wanted to be with Sophia. I have plenty of other Mommy friends who don't have that luxury, but as a bartender, it was doable. What was so wrong was that? I wanted to be the one to give her breakfast, to be a classroom parent, to take her to the zoo, to raise her and to show her how to be a little person. I WANTED TO DO THAT JOB. And I'm glad I did seeing that she's probably going to be it for me. Now on to the next chapter. I have fear and excitement all rolled into one. It's good to know the ball is rolling AND I have a little more time to study (a little harder this time too).

2010-12-28T20:37:00.001-08:00

Catching the last part to Sixteen Candles right now. You know, the part where Jake Ryan and Samantha finally hook up. Ooooo, here it comes!! What 17 year old boy looks like that and drives a Porsche? Oh who cares. Kiss me circa 1984 Jake Ryan!

Side pain update: it's still there. I looked it up this morning and hypochondriac me starts in with, "What if something is wrong with my liver!" No really. I drink, maybe more than I should, but not what would send me into liver failure. See? This is where my mind goes. Thank goodness for FB though. I posted about this in the morning and after 30+ responses I'm thinking it just might be a gas bubble. But a gas bubble that's been there since Christmas night? Then again it could of been the MSG laden Pho. Lordy. I'll stop.

Today was a busy one. Good nonetheless, but busy. Miss Grace and I met Rayne, one of my ex-cohorts behind the bar. She's one of my special friends and I miss her so. But like so many of my kindred spirits she heeded the call of Portland and has been up there for a couple of years. I wanna go to Portland. We had a great time catching up which resulted in Miss Grace accusing us of talking too much. Next we picked up some sandwiches at Piemontes after which I had to take my old chum home until next time. I'm thinking a trip to Portland is in order.

After the zoo I got a message from my friend Ron. Miss Grace and I were scheduled for a tour of Channel 24 and I had completely forgotten. I was more focused on hanging out with Rayne. Why not? There was still time in the day. So me and Miss Grace got a behind the scenes look at how the news works. Very interesting. At least for me. Miss Grace is only 5 but she WAS excited about seeing the news at 5... which was pre-empted for a football game. Oh well. I don't know if I could do that job. Having to separate myself from what they know - crime, death, abuse - I don't know if I could. I would have to jump in there and save someone. Interesting and informative though. Thanks Ron!

So those were just the highlights. I still managed to fit two different grocery stores, 3 loads of laundry, homemade chicken enchiladas, beans and rice, dishes and Eloise Goes to Hollywood into the day.

And tomorrow? The aquarium with Shelly D and the lovely Miss Mari. While I still haven't seen the snow this season, I think that I need to see the ocean more.

2010-12-26T13:08:00.000-08:00

What does it matter how one comes by the truth so long as one pounces upon it and lives by it?

- Henry Miller

A couple of days ago, I wrote about living in the truth of my reality. Not that it's turned out to be such a bad thing, just not what I expected. I sure as hell didn't think I would be a single mother but then again, had I chosen to "stick it out" I would have most likely done more damage to myself and passed that on to my kiddo. She's a happy little girl and I'm going to do my best to keep it that way.

It's Mr. Miller's birthday you know. He spent a lot of time in Big Sur. So much so, there's a neat little library on Hwy 1 named after him. A couple of years before Miss Grace made her appearance I took every chance I got to spend time in those woods. It was a magical time in my life for sure. It was there I came across this letter. It's a whimsical reminder of how to practice life in general. I need that reminder quite often myself.

2010-12-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

Downpour! I'm loving the weather right now. Yeah, I said it. I, who needs life sustaining sunshine, loves the rain right now. It's pounding so loud I can hear it all over my house while I sit here with a glass of Soy Nog and Rum tip tapping away.

I did it. I let go of all expectations and Christmas was, well... good. It was!

It's becoming a tradition that we do Thanksgiving at my Mom's and Christmas at my house. This is my family: my Mom and her husband David. Yes. We're a tiny family. Here we are settling down to open presents. Thanks to these two, I have a brand new set of fancy pots and pans - and they all match!

And here is the other half of my tiny family very pleased with her Barbie Scooter and her Princess pillow my mother and David got her. She too let go of expectations and didn't even mention the Easy Bake Oven that never showed up. Sophia even said it was the best Christmas EVER!

While I peeled and sliced apples for dessert my Mom and Sophia decorated pre-fab gingerbread people. It was a battle of the wills. I always thought my daughter picked up her stubbornness from her father. But the more I see my Mom and Sophia interact, my daughter is just like her. They argued the whole time. Both had the attitude, "It's either my way or the highway".

Said dessert: Apple Pie.

And the piece de la resistance: homemade Pho. It was so good, but I have a confession to make. I used MSG. There was something missing and I knew what it was so I caved. My Mom ran next door to the neighbors and she borrowed some. I think I could go toe to toe with the Naked Fish on this one.

So yes. I let go of expectations. These days it's me and the kiddo. It took a little bit of leveling out these past few years, having to demand my time to myself. But now my viewpoint has shifted and it's an honor to have Miss Grace most of the time. When I think about things this is the song I hear:

(Edited because I was cryin' a river and it was stupid). I am one blessed Mama.

2010-12-23T14:46:00.000-08:00

The morning was full: the gym, two different Wal-Marts for an Easy Bake Oven, a trip to the Marjoree Mason Center, a short visit with a puppy at Sophia's Fairy God-Mother's and a stop at Vons for butter so we can make a second batch of fudge.

Yesterday Sophia and I took our annual trip to see Santa at the Sierra Vista Mall. She was armed and ready with her wish list which consisted of things she cut out from the Toy's R Us catalog. Unfortunately the kiddo won't be getting the Barbie Television set or the Barbie Nail Printer. She just might score the My Little Ponies though. I was worried that Santa would start in with that "be a good girl and you just might get" crap so I listened closely as they chatted. He's on my side. He made no promises. Thanks dude.

As we were leaving we passed by the Marjoree Mason Tree which still had some tags attached to it. Earlier this month I had taken an ornament from the tree at the gym. Those gifts were going to go to foster kids. Turned out all the ornaments had already been spoken for and that I had pretty much lifted a real ornament off the Christmas tree. Oops. Anyway, here was our opportunity. So I explained things again to Sophia how there are some other children out there who don't get presents for Christmas and that if we can help, then we should. We found a tag that read "Easy Bake Oven for a 10 year old girl". Sophia's first response, "I want an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas!" Just the day before she was gifted a beautiful doll house with accessories and some jewelry from her friend Samantha. I helped her remember how good that felt and that we should try to make someone else happy just like that. She was onboard. However it was followed up with a, "But I still want the Easy Bake Oven".

This morning after the gym we headed out to find the Easy Bake. Again with the pleas for the Easy Bake launched right after a spiel of doing it because God loves us and giving is how we show our love for Him.
In her sad face voice, "I really want the Easy Bake Oven too Mom".
I was sticking to my guns. I let her know that shopping today was for someone else.
"Please Mom".
When has that EVER worked for me? And she's only five! I went to two different Wal-Marts and both were sold-out. I went there because I saw a shelf full of them at the Kings Canyon Wal-Mart, which I was at yesterday. I figured Wal-Mart is Wal-Mart so I went to the one in Clovis which was on our way out of the gym. Sold out. Grrrr. So I head back to Kings Canyon. Not a problem really, it's on our way to the Marjorie Mason Center. And wouldn't you know it? The shelf full that I saw the day before was now filled with dolly strollers. Sold out. Rawr! We wound up compromising and going with a cake decorating set for little girls. It was cute and I think a little more fun than the Easy Bake. While we were checking out Sophia asked me if we find an Easy Bake soon, could she still have one. Lordy. The last time she went in with a request was after we dropped the gift off. I'm not planning on it. Maybe. I don't know.

Anyway. She's only 5. And she learns what she learns from me. I do this with my faith and I wonder if she senses that? For months now, I've been really focused things of the spiritual nature. Trying to get that part of my life healthy just for the peace of it all. It's been good too... when I let it. God took me in a direction and I followed. And it was good. Then I said, "But I still want to do my thing. Hold on to what might not be good for me because it's safe and familiar". He explained things again and I was quiet for awhile. Reading, praying, listening, growing. And then I piped up again, "Hey, how about giving me what I think is good?" Again, I'm reminded of where I'm at and why my soul needs to be nurtured. Even now I have these, "But why not my way God?" moments... that last for a few days when the sun isn't shining.

The reality is that it is what it is. Not what if. Not what will be. Not what was, but what is. I am in charge of the way things are right now and how I choose to react to them.

I'm going to look forward to Christmas.

2010-12-22T08:17:00.000-08:00

Original thought. Employ your brain, then trust it.
- Maya Angelou

Thanks for the reminder Ms. Angelou. It's easy for me not to use my brain during the holidays and to fall into that vortex of "Woe is me". I look over at Miss Grace as she's munching away on scrambled eggs and yogurt for breakfast and all is right in her world. Shouldn't it be that easy? The truth of the situation is easily eclipsed by the freaking holidays. I think maybe that I should give up my expectations and to live in the truth of it all.

On the agenda for today:

T Day - like I said, she's getting an earful
Cookie baking
Santa Pictures
The Gym
Spicy Vietnamese Chicken Noodle Soup
Finishing up Sophia's Christmas wish list

2010-12-21T20:39:00.000-08:00

How's your list coming? I'm up to 64. Today I added my friendship with my BFF since High School, scrap booking and pizza making with the kids. While I'm not a scrap booking kind of a person, I want to be. Stacy is amazing at the craft. Then again, her craft room/home office resembles a scrapbook store. But today, my homegirl hooked me up with a starter basket she put together herself. I'm a little overwhelmed, but I'm on my way to chronicling my misadventures and preserving memories. Would you believe I don't have pictures in my house? I have like 3: one of Sophia and then two pictures that my mother framed for me of me and my Dad and then of me, her and my Dad. I take pictures all the time but they haven't made it off my phone or out of my computer. Time to warm this place up a little don't you think?

Today I am thankful for friendships. Thank you to my coffee gals in the AM that didn't freak when I busted out with the tears in the middle of the IBC. Thank you to my fellow single mom/lunch buddy from my FSU days with the birthday at the Landmark who acknowledged that what we do is hard work. Thank you for the kind note from the creative soul that told me that we WILL be OK. Thank you to my BFF that showered me with gifts and love and for her example of strength and perseverance. Thank you to my FB friend and her awesome cookie party on Sunday. Thank you to my neighbors who saw me breakdown when I couldn't figure out how to get the fucking spare tire out from under my car and then change the tire for me. I have people all around me and I see you. So thank you.

I had Miss Grace 7 solid days this past week and then plus some with work and the gym as my "break". While I love her company and want her with me because I'm her Mom, it's been a bit overwhelming. Lots of personal bullshit that's just inappropriate for this public space, but wow. It's been rough. Not what I imagined 5 years ago.

However. I'm the only one that's only going to be bringing myself out of this - right? I'm well aware of that. So here's what I'm doing:

- Reading: my Bible, Beautiful Things Happen When a Woman Trusts God, How to Bounce Back, and the CSET preparation manual.
- Working out. Training for the Couch to 5K. I feel accomplished and not just accomplished, but a sense of clarity every time I finish a session.
- Reaching out. Hanging out with the girls and going to gatherings even if they are filled with happily married couples and families.
-Watching: Coal Miner's Daughter and Sex in the City
- Praying.

T day is tomorrow and boy, is she going to get an earful.

2010-12-15T21:13:00.001-08:00

I love Rugrat Wednesday. This morning my job was to take care of poor little Angelina who busted her lip on the way to Christmas Carol practice. I also got to hang out with little Aiden who is a Jehovah's Witness. He has to miss out on everything. THAT is a bummer. His parents won't even let him make a freaking snow man! My other job included being the Sargent at Arms as Sophia's teacher called me. That job description basically consists of listening to Ryan tattle on everyone. My favorite today was the time he stood up and announced to every one that Isaiah N. said bullshit. It's funny that Ryan knows enough to know that bullshit is a bad word when I don't even think Sophia has a clue what that word is. He has a lisp too. Yes, comedy.

I also noticed this when I was walking around -

I need to clarify. It's a Barbie Nail Printer and she's been wanting it since last Christmas. The problem is that it's $150 and for older girls. AND I would so NOT get her that. Why are they trying to make our kiddos grow up any faster than they already are?

2010-12-15T07:34:00.000-08:00

The lack of sun messes with me. I'm sure when the sun comes out I will see the light again. For now there's the therapy lady and exercise to remind me of my sanity. To counter the effects of no sun, I actually worked out. Yes, I've been going to the gym weekly. At least 3 to 5 days a week. My "workouts" usually consist of Netflix and the treadmill or the elliptical. It's not that effective though because I don't focus on the workout, I focus more on making my hour of cardio go by as fast as possible. However, yesterday was my first day of focusing during a workout in a while: Day One of P90X as well as the Couch to 5K. P90X is three months and the Couch to 5K is nine weeks, which works out perfect because my first official race will be at the end of those 9 weeks. And the first P90X DVD? Push ups for days. I did them though AND I focused. It definitely helped things right along. Today: Day 2. Except today I also volunteer in Miss Grace's class so she gets to do Day 2 of P90X with me. I hope she's down...

So I'm back to getting up around 5ish in the morning again and not doing so because I was prompted by my alarm. Instead of rejoicing in the fact that I have a solid two hours of sleep left I get up and take that time for me to center myself, read my Bible and to pray. Things just go better during the day when I do. This morning I was reading out of Matthew 14 where Jesus walks on water and calls out to Peter. Peter steps out, doubts himself, sinks, cries out to Jesus, and the Lord pulls him up. This would also be a summary of recent months in these parts. I'm back at a place where I need to be. However I'm also learning how to be "broken" but not be crushed. Again, I think the weather has a lot to do with it.

Today is Day 15 of Sophia's Advent Calendar. We're scheduled for a Pedi-Cab ride down Christmas Tree Lane tonight. I figure Hot Chocolate and Christmas lights should make for a good time... maybe a little pizza makin' too. I'm looking forward to this day...

2010-12-14T06:51:00.000-08:00

No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear. Never load yourself so. If you find yourself so loaded, at least remember this: it is your own doing, not God's. He begs you to leave the future to him, and mind the present. -George MacDonald

It's true. When I look to the past (my mistakes, bad decisions, failures) or speculate about my future (what hasn't happened - marriage, career) I feel, for lack of a better term right now: shitty.

I came across this verse recently and posted it. I'll post again because it came to me this morning when I was thinking about things:

Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? -Isaiah 43:18-19

If I'm spending time dwelling on my past or even what my future might hold, I miss out on the present. I want to be fully present for my kiddo. A couple of nights ago was low. I was choking back the tears reading Sophia her bedtime stories. The whole time thinking about what I don't have and what I did to screw that up. Story time is a special time with us. I know she'll remember it into adulthood. Sad Mama is not what I want my love to remember. Breakdown time usually takes place after Miss Grace goes down or when she's away from me. But that night after hearing about Sophia's time with her Dad's family and his "friend", yeah, it hurt. All I want is healing to take place, but my kind of healing. It doesn't work like that though does it? And when I spend time dwelling like I have been for a few days now... I take away from the present.

My list of blessings. I'm up to 49 as of last night. I added dignity to the list after it was suggested by a friend on FB. I kind of lose that when my thoughts take me to my past and my future because then my anger gets the best of me. I don't deal with things in the most healthiest of days. However, as I say and continue to do so: today is a brand new day.

- The first day of P90X
- First day of my Couch to 5K training. Fun Run on Feb 13. Who wants to do it with me?
- Gingerbread House making with the kiddo. I put it together last night after she went to sleep. I was so tempted to get started by myself!
- What to make for dinner?
- Cleaning house. I skipped the bathrooms last week and the kiddo noticed. How much longer till she starts cleaning the bathrooms?

I love Tuesdays.